Today sucked. If you know me, you know I don't say that word. I just don't, I hate the way it sounds. So when I say it, I mean it. It was bad. It wasn't anything compared to some of the worst things I've ever gone through but considering that the past few weeks have been awesome...it sucked royally.
I guess I should you worn you all that this is going to be sort of whiny and filled with..anger?...irritation..frustration..take your pick after reading. I'm sorry it's that way but I don't know how else to get it off my chest. Talking about it makes me cry, then I can't talk and it gets me even more frustrated. Ok.
My lesson this morning was AWFUL. I couldn't comprehend the notes on the page. It was just bad. And I can't afford to have lessons like that..especially with my hearing for my recital being 3 weeks from tomorrow. Yea..
Ok. I just want to preface this with the statement: I am not a hateful person. I love people, doing things for them, making them happy. Ok..so we've been in school now for almost 6 full weeks. SIX. Last Wednesday in one of my classes, this girl decides to sit in my seat. MY SEAT. I've sat in this seat since August [I had the 1st part of this class in the same classroom last semester, with the same teacher. He even remarked on the 1st day of class this semester that I was sitting in the same seat...]. I'm a creature of habit. When I'm thrown off my habit horse, my world is turned upside down. I can't concentrate..all I can think about is the fact that someone has messed me up. So last Wednesday, I'm pretty upset that I have to sit in a different seat. I think "this BETTER NOT happen again."
So I get to class on Friday, she sits in her seat, I sit in mine. Everyone is happy. Oh, I should also tell you that I sit in the 3rd column in the last seat in the back, she sits in the 1st column around the middle..so it's not like she just forgot where she sits..it's a good 15 ft away..she deliberately chose another seat. Also, I should add that there are PLENTY of other EMPTY seats all over the room.
Monday, I barely get into class before she does, I go to my seat, I guess I throw her off guard...idk..I mean, it is MY seat. She moves to the next row and looks at ME like I'm sitting in her seat...ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?!?
THEN TODAY. I get to class almost late because Wind Ensemble didn't let out in time..I walk into class and she's in my seat AGAIN! What kind of crap is this!?!? Like for real. I don't understand. Why would she do this!? I know she's a pretty nice person. I've talked to her in previous classes so I don't think she's trying to be vindictive...but I just can't figure out what else could possibly be going on. I mean she knows it's my seat..I've been sitting there for A WHILE...and I'm visibly upset that she's in it..I'm sure my teacher can tell too because I can barely keep myself from staring her down the entire class time.
If you can't tell, I'm pretty ticked about this. I just don't understand. At all. I wish I did. I don't know that I can ask her politely to get up or why she's sitting there. I'm afraid I would get very irate or start crying. I cry when I'm mad. It's really frustrating.
Ok, I'm done with that. I just want to sit in my seat so I can concentrate and get a good grade. I sit there for a reason, I feel comfortable there. If she wanted to sit there from the beginning she should have thought of that then. I'd understand if it was the 2nd week of school and she's still shopping around for a seat..but the sixth week of school is a little ridiculous.
Moving on.
I'm doing a 30 Day Picture Thing on facebook. Today's was "A Picture of Your Biggest Insecurity" Mine is that I'm unimportant.
I know that to some people I am important.
Several people have come up to me today and told me that I matter to them and that I am important. I appreciate that but I just can't believe it until they prove it, ya know? Taking things like that at face value is really hard for me. I've been through a lot of junk and for someone to say they care about me and that I matter, I need them to back it up with actions.
I love doing things for people and making them happy. Relationships matter a lot to me. I would bend over backwards to help a friend, most of you know that about me. Lately, I've gotten to the point where I just don't care. I feel like I don't matter to a lot of people, that they just use me to make themselves feel good. That makes me feel like absolute crap. I'm not thinking of any one person in particular, so don't ask me if I'm talking about you..if you have to ask then I probably am. I just get so worn out from doing favors for people and when I ask them to do one small thing for me they whine about it or don't do it at all. That says to me "I don't really care for you like I say I do." Everyone's heard that saying "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." Lately, I feel like an option. My friends have been choosing lots of things over me and it just hurts. I don't know that they're doing it on purpose or it just happens but that's the truth. Plans are only made as long as nothing else is going on. And by nothing else I mean "better people to hang out with aren't free" not "I have a lot to do, I have to go ______and do _____" work and school are different.
It just really makes me feel like crap.
I'm ready to go to the Navy, make new friends and find out which ones really want to make an effort to keep my friendship. Ya know?
I'm just tired. I've got so much going on. I can't deal with trying to make people happy on top of: studying for the Navy, studying history, writing a book review, reading the book to write the review, writing a research paper, researching so I can write the paper, practicing for aural skills, practicing for my recital, working out and sleeping. Oh and eating...it's too much. I need prayers to trust God completely with all of this. Doing all of this is not humanly possible. I need his supernatural strength to help me live, not just "get through", but live through this semester. I want to experience everything I can and not just survive through it.
I'm not consciously stressing out but I think my mind is realizing what's happening..I'm just not acknowledging it. My body knows what's up..my sleeping patterns this week have been CRAP. I've awakened everyday this week at 330 a.m. ready to start my day. Laid in bed for 20 minutes, fallen back to sleep, woken up at 530 a.m. again ready to start my day, gone back to sleep and THEN when it's actually time to get up at 630, I have to coax myself out of bed. It's ridiculous. No, I haven't changed anything in my diet or routine..I think it's probably just my body screaming at me.
Well. I'm running out of steam..I guess that means it's time for bed.
The Colonel comes tomorrow, I'm excited, even though I don't look it.
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