Day 2: Your First Love.
Well. This topic came up pretty quick. I have to admit..I'm not exactly sure how to answer this. I don't know that I've actually been in love before. At one point I thought that's what it was but I just don't know.
I know that I care deeply for someone. I'd do anything for him..that's what I would have said a year and a half ago anyway. I've been burned so many times by this person that if he asked me for a stick of gum I'm not sure I'd give it to him. But I still love him. I've tried and tried and TRIED to hate him...trust me, I have. I just can't do it. All of my friend and family wonder why because they've been through the emotional roller coaster with me every time... It's just not in my character to hate anyone. I've tried it on other people too, doesn't work.
This person. Hm. I was about to tell you that he made me fall in love with him. Is that really true? Did I "fall in love" with him? Ugh this is so hard. Ok. I'll tell you what I do know instead of debating whether I know that or not.
I know that:
I want him to come to know Jesus like I do.
I want his life to be so amazing that he can hardly stand it.
I want him to make good decisions.
I want him to always tell the truth.
I want him to trust people.
I want him to find true love. Not lust. Love.
I want him to serve the Lord all the days of his life.
I want him to be a good father. [Yes, mother he now has a child]
I want him to know that I really do love him and that I pray for him everyday.
I want him to know that I never hated him. Not even for a second, ask Jennifer. It's the truth. I tried so hard.
I want him to know that no matter what he's done Jesus loves him so much.
I want him to be able to treat a woman the way she should be treated.
I want him to realize that everyone is not out to get him.
I want him to know that I never judged him by the way he dressed or the way he acted, that I liked him for who he was when he was with me.
I think that's all I know. I'm sure there's more but it's probably redundant.
I haven't talked to him in 1 year, 8 months and 8 days. No, I don't know that off the top of my head, I just counted it up. Yes, I do know the exact date of the last time I talked to him though. I don't know why but I remember stuff like that.
13 days before the last time I talked to him I got my first kiss..from him of course..but you'll have to wait until Day 16 to hear about that.
I can tell you what happened between us.
It's February 17 2006. [I remember that because it was one of my best friend's birthday party days.]
I'm sitting on the bus waiting for us to take off from the school to go home just minding my own business. This guy gets on looking for the friend he normally sits with. WAIT. A few days earlier we had a stare down in the hallway. It was funny..that day on the bus he asked me my name. Ok. Back to the 17th. So I'm sitting in my seat and he can't find his friend so he asks to sit with me. Sure why not. We're talking about who knows what and all the sudden he says "I don't say this to many people very often.." and I thought "oh boy what on earth is he gonna say?" and he continued "but you're very beautiful.." yea he said it. Out loud. [Ps. I'm a junior in high school and to this day I'm still not sure how old he was] so I stutter through something like "well..I don't hear that very often" [before then I'd only heard it once]. Well he had me right then and there. I was hooked lol. He replied "well, you need to start hearing it everyday" this kid was gooood. Geez. haha. So from then on we sat on the bus together and talked on the phone, he eventually started coming to church with me, writing me love notes, giving me things. We were never really in a relationship, mind you, because he wasn't a Christian but we sure did go through the motions. [I take the fall for that. You'll hear about it again on Day 19.
Well this bliss lasted until around May 1st. Such a long lived "relationship", right? April 29 I went to prom with a good friend, my best friend was dating his best friend so it was just convenient [apparently he liked me and asked me on a date but I have no memory of this..anyway]. So this guy that I'm "in love" with isn't too fond of this whole setup, he's not like UPSET or anything, just nervous that I'll start liking Aaron, the guy I went to prom with. I assured him that he had my heart and I wasn't going anywhere.
The next day, April 30th was Loyalty Day at church. It's where you bring your lunch and eat after church. Well he came with us. I'll never forget what I ate that day. He made me try pickled okra! YUCK! And he got a bunch of green stuff that he thought was turnip greens and ended up being spinach. That was FUNNY. Anyway, I was sort of crabby that day because I got in late and had to get up early. He thought I was mad at him the whole day. I wasn't at all. I was just really tired.
The next day he calls and says he can't talk to me anymore because "it's not in his best interest" ARE YOU SERIOUS!? That's exactly what people had been telling me. He also said that I had been mad at him the previous day for no reason blah blah blah Ugh. I was so upset. It was baaaaad. I cried for days. It didn't help the fact that my parents put a restriction on our phone talking and he wasn't very happy about that..of course I wasn't either. But since we were "just friends" we only got 5 minutes. Five minutes mom, I mean you could have at least given me 15. :)
I honestly don't remember a lot of what happened the rest of that year. I kind of zombied through school.
He wasn't there so that made life a little easier. I don't exactly know where he was. Oh wait, yes I do. He was in alternative school. But I have absolutely no idea why. I don't think...maybe if I try really hard to remember I will but I don't feel like it.
So I thought that was over...you probably did too. NOT.
My freshman year in college he requests me to be his friend on myspace [stupid myspace] and we start talking again. He tells me how much he misses me, of course I believe him because he's the only guy that's ever given me attention [well actually there were 2 others at that point but they don't count. Maybe I'll tell you about them sometime]. So we start talking on the phone every night. I see that it says he's in a relationship with so and so..so I ask him about it and he says that they broke up. So I go to her page to check her out...nope she sure does think they're still in a relationship. So I ask him about it again. Nope they're broken up. I know he's lied to me before so I ask her. OH BOY does that stir up some drama! Apparently they are still together and this isn't the first time he's done this to her. I thought "what are you thinking!? if he's trying to get with other girls break up with him idiot" while I'm thinking that I should also be thinking "JENN YOU'RE BEING AN IDIOT! HE'S GONNA DO THE SAME THING TO YOU!!!" but of course I'm not. :) Well. She confronts him about it and he stops talking to me. I wasn't too heartbroken, that I recall, that time. I thought it was sort of humorous.
Here's where it gets better.
My junior year of college we found each other [November 12, 2008 I believe] on myspace again...[I eventually delete that stupid social networking site lol] I honestly don't remember how. I remember sending him a long message basically telling him I didn't hate him and I never did and I got one in return saying how well he and his girlfriend were doing and blah blah blah. First I must say that I had absolutely NO intention of breaking them up at all. None whatsoever. I had no feelings for him [or so I thought] at this point in time. Ok. So we talk a lot and text. We meet up and BAM it's like we're back in high school...ugh. December 27 he breaks up with his girlfriend so he can be with me. Again, let me reiterate that I did NOT have any intention of that happening. She does not accept this at all. Oh boy...oh boy. That was DRAMATIC. She threatened Jennifer and I and all this other crap if we didn't stay away from "her man" whatever. I think she lives in an episode of Jerry Springer or something. I'm skipping over the first kiss part so I don't ruin Day 16 for you. :) Skipping right on to January 5. He's supposed to meet me in Murfreesboro for my sister's concert. Guess who never shows. Guess who also never showed up for work and wouldn't take any of my calls. Yep. Him.
So his mom messages me a few days later and tells me how much she misses me and all this junk. This woman is messed up. I feel bad for her so I talk to her back. I find out that he's run away and is living with some girl named Kara and he's doing a bunch of drugs....grrrreat. So she asks me to call this girl's house. January 15 I call him and he tells me to never call him at this number ever again. So I don't. Of course I believed that this time was going to be different..ladies..it's NEVER going to be different, not until they start serving the Lord. I am torn up. I'm sure you can ask my roommate, she might remember but maybe not. After aaaall of that. We were still never really in a relationship.
So yea. There ya go. My "first love". Like I said, I still love him and I pray that the Lord softens his heart and draws him close everyday. I no longer have feelings for him and I don't think I ever will again. He has a child with the girl that lives in a Jerry Springer show and even if he did change and start serving the Lord, I don't think I'd want to be with him for the simple fact that I'd have baby mama drama the rest of my life.
If you feel inclined to pray for him, go right ahead, I'd appreciate it very much. He'll always be in my heart. :)
Thanks for reading my forever long story.
I'll write again tomorrow. :)
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