TAWANDA!!!!

I've got a lot on my mind right now...
I'm watching Fried Green Tomatoes with my best friend..I'll try to make this make as much sense as I can. It's going to be random. My thoughts are pretty jumbled.

People are petty. It's a confusing situation. I just wish it would end...

My truck is dying. I need it to last at least another year..or I need someone to give me a new vehicle for graduation. I got it fixed yesterday..and it died some more today. I don't know what's wrong with it. My mechanic fixed several things and said I'd have to change one more thing eventually but shouldn't have to soon..so just pray for Bertha. She needs it. I need it. Complicated. Life is complicated....

There's one thing in my life I just can't let go. You'd think I'd learn my lesson by now. Maybe I never will. Well..I mean I hope I do. It's just hard to let go sometimes. Someday something will happen and it'll leave. Confusion. UGH.

When I find a man who loves me he'll be so much more than I could ever imagine. He'll do things that no guy has done before. Example: Call me when he says he will, act like he actually wants to hang out with me, look at the stars with me..and a plethora of other things that I want. I don't expect perfection..but I expect this person to actually care about me..geez..boys.

I'm working in my favorite city ever this summer! I'm soooo excited! :)

I had my recital almost a month ago now..lol
It went really well. Here are some pictures! :)

FAMILY!

Bestie!

2 best friends!

Playing..obviously

The Beautiful Photographer!

Another friend of mine took senior pictures of me a few days later! :) Here are some of those!

That's her on the right, we were trying to be ballerinas.

I'm bouncing on that log!

:)

She wanted sultry..I'm not sure I succeeded lol

"THE BIG ONE!"

This is probably my favorite.

classic, right? lol

That's Trixie and me..she's my favorite bassett hound alive.

This is my 2nd favorite!!! :)

If you're my friend on facebook and want to see more, go HERE! She's a trip. I love her!

That's about all I think I want to cram into one blog. Love you all.

Evaluations.

I've been thinking about writing this blog for a long time. 
Well not THIS blog..a blog..any blog. I feel like I've kind of neglected it.
I have so many thoughts racing through my mind....ones I want to say, ones I shouldn't say and ones I need to say. It's just hard separating them all out. 


I'm going to try though..for all of you. :)


First I must start out saying that the chair I'm sitting in is driving me NUTS. It's a huge computer chair that's made of a leather-like material..whether it's real leather or not, I'm not sure. Anyway, right where my knees are (my naked knees because I'm wearing shorts) up against where it's cracking and it ITCHES. Erg. Simple solution: put on pants..but then I get hot and I'm even more uncomfortable. This is a no-win situation. 


I got news THERE IS THE BIGGEST CAMEL CRICKET EVER CRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW..I HAVE TO KILL IT..BE RIGHT BACK...well..that mission was unsuccessful. He jumped under a thing where I can't reach him...eeeewww I hope he doesn't get in my bed. I would CRY! For those of you who don't know what a camel cricket is..check it out HERE these things are ICKY...and apparently they bite. As I was typing in "camel cricket" in the search bar.."camel cricket bite" popped up. Oh someone save me. They jump HIGH..like up to my waist (I'm 5 feet 6 inches tall. I have short legs and a long torso) YUCK YUCK YUCK. I'm pretty sure I can hear him moving around but I can't see him and it's wigging me out.


Ok I'll try to proceed at an acceptable volume from here on out. I got news today that I will not be taking my Navy test next Tuesday as scheduled. My recruiter said that the boards will not be meeting in April so there's no need to rush. They'll be meeting in September instead. Which has left me with a myriad of feelings. I'll try to sort them out to make it easier on you all. 
1. Yes, this is a blessing because I'll have more time to study..about 5 more months..
2. I have to get a summer job...I'm not fond of searching for jobs. My aunt is supposed to be talking to my uncle tonight about possibly working in his bike shop over the summer. This would be SUPER cool because it's in one of my FAVORITE cities! And it would eliminate the job searching ordeal, also they're fun!
3. I feel like with 5 months to study, I'll probably put it off until the last minute..I don't want to do that.
4. I can now focus solely on school work and recital stuff and worry about the Navy after school is finished. (this will be best for EVERYONE..)
I think these are the only feelings I have on this subject..if any more arise I'll be sure to let you know.


I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...I feel like I'm going to "end up" like my grandfather. He's a jack of all trades. He's done everything and I think that's so cool! I wouldn't mind being like him at all. :) This grandfather also had surgery yesterday, well now the day before yesterday...anyway. He's doing well from what I've heard, but he could still use your prayers.


I'm just going to write it out loud...someday, I'd like my world to revolve around ME and not everyone else. There. I said it. I don't care what you think of me for it. Think what you like. I want people to care about what I have to say. I want them to respond to my texts about things I care about and not just choose what topics they want to talk about. That's rude. I never ignore a text..not forever at least. It doesn't matter if they're talking about something I care about or not..I always reply even if it's hours later. I expect the same courtesy from my friends. If you happen to not want to talk about what I have to say..then speak up..don't just ignore me. I haven't done anything to you to deserve being ignored.


Today I also bought some stuff to fix my truck and I just convinced one of my friends that the most eventful part of my day was when my truck blew up. :) Heheheh. It didn't. I just asked a friend to come over and assist me in removing my fuel filter. It had been on there for a LOOOOONG time and I didn't want to break anything. He's a really good guy and he'll make someone a great husband someday. Yea, I told him that..that was something that probably should have stayed in my head but it just flowed right out my mouth hahah. Oh well. He just said "yea...if I ever get married" I have full faith that he will. He's a great guy. In fact, I wouldn't mind if my sister married him! hahaha.


I'm reading a book about Charles Lindbergh for one of my classes...it's not the most entertaining but it's alright. He said this really cool quote. I wrote it down. And now I'm going to type it for everyone to see!

"I've learned not to trust people who are inaccurate...in my profession life itself depends on accuracy"

This is so beyond true. In case you didn't know, he was a pilot. I'm going to be a pilot. This quote just resonates with me. It's so real. I can't describe it beyond that..just real and true.

I have fabulous friends. You know who you are. 

My recital is right around the corner! And when I say "right" I mean RIGHT. It's 15 days from today (Friday). That's so close! I have my dress! Sort of...It's done being made. There are still a couple alterations that need to be made but it's GORGEOUS! The woman who made it is such a blessing! I can't wait to wear it!! I love getting dressed up and looking pretty. It just makes me feel good inside!

I feel like I should make a facebook event about it...meh. I don't feel like it tonight...for the recital..not the feeling pretty lol

I love my family. My mom. I love her. Sometimes we're so much alike that we butt heads but it's ok. :)

I love my dad. He's so laid back...I wish I was more like that lol.

And my sister. She's a geek but I love her.

One last thing. I've recently discovered people who pretend to be my friend in one place and then they're all the sudden not when I'm gone. Don't be that person. If we're friends that means I have a genuine interest in your life and it hurts to hear that you don't care about me or my feelings because I'm not around. If you don't want to be my friend then don't be. Sure, it'll hurt but I'd rather you leave now and cause the least amount of damage. *Note, the person this is directed to probably won't be reading this but if you thought I was talking about you then maybe you should re-evaluate our friendship.*

I know I had more to say but I've forgotten most of it..probably because it's too late to be up blogging.

Goodnight all. 

Sorry for the heavy blog lol..next time maybe I'll make it more light hearted.

Random Find.

So I asked one of my favorite teachers to write a character reference for me to give to the Navy.
She agreed and said she'd need a resume to accompany the paperwork. 
I didn't even remember the last time I wrote a resume! Lol...
So I was searching everywhere on my laptop that I could have possibly saved it. 
No luck. 
BUT in searching, I found an essay that I wrote for a scholarship last semester and I wanted to share it with you all.  
Here it is.

My freshman year in high school I entered a contest to have a walk-on role on one of my favorite television shows. It was a contest sponsored by John Lennon. One of the choices to enter was to write a song about the American Dream and how it’s changed. This is what I wrote:

American Dreams just aren’t what they seem

Kids growing too fast

People running from their past

Babies having babies

Drive by shootings

What has this world come to?

Chorus

There’s no prayer in school

To smoke is to be cool

No dreams of being teachers

No dreams of being leaders

Children getting beat

Yet they take the heat

For something they didn’t do

Whatever happened to the Golden Rule?

Kids bringing guns to school

Smoking weed, it’s the thing to do

Go to a party, get high,

Never think twice about saying good-bye

American Dreams just aren’t what they seem

What has this world come to?

I didn’t win the contest, now that I read it, my song wasn’t all that good. But I think it gets the point across. The American Dream has changed so much just in the last century. Young people wanted to grow up and do something with their lives, change the world, make a difference. Now they’re content to sit at home jobless. I’m not sure that I can say America has a dream any longer. That’s a sad statement to make but I think it’s the truth.

When I hear young people talk, it’s about drugs, parties and having babies.  I overheard a conversation the other day between two 7^th graders talking about how they wanted to have a baby with such and such guy. In that same conversation they talked about their friends getting drunk and smoking. If this is the kind of lifestyle future generations have to look forward to, America is in for a treat. Soon we’ll have no one working and everyone will be on welfare with illegitimate children.

The streets of any big city are littered with gangs and violence. Young boys, and sometimes girls, get involved with the wrong crowd and before they know it they’re robbing convenience stores and doing drive-by shootings. It’s very rare that anyone in that situation can get out, they have nothing to look forward to in life.

To summarize, I think America has lost its ability to dream, or should I say to make their dreams reality. There are plenty of dreamers out there who wish for a better life but aren’t serious enough to do anything about it. The American Dream hasn’t been what it used to be for a long time now.

The end.

I wanted to share not because I think it's an especially fantastic essay (I don't) but I'd like your feedback, what do you think about this? 

Ps. I found the resume in an email. :)

My Life Has Been Made

This weekend has been almost TOO interesting but I wouldn't trade it for anything! :)

I'll start from not the best and go to MOST AMAZING.

Thursday.
Honor band children arrived. About 500 high school students. AAAAHHHHH!!!!
As if that's enough, we had tornado sirens go off during a concert. We had to take EVERYONE from one building to the other and shove them all into the guts of an auditorium. The basement of this place was built to hold probably only about 200....yea. Fuuun.
I saved the colonel's life. Well..ok that's an exaggeration...but I was holding the door open that he walked through to get to the basement..if my door hadn't been opened, he would have had to walk further down the way and would have risked his life!
We get the all-clear. We continue with the concert.
Eventually we have about a 30 minute rehearsal where I meet the Colonel officially.
I love him right off the bat.
I get back to my room at about 1030 after having been out of it since 700 am...

Friday.
I arrive at Fine Arts around 730.
Children rehearse. I observe.
I don't really get to talk to the Colonel very much. Just the usual "We need an extra copy of such and such" Stuff like that. :)
Then Friday night....I get in my truck to go to my friends' house. I get in, put my bag in the passenger seat. I look over and my glove box is open and completely empty. I am really confused, I look around and see the stuff that was in it is now in between the seats almost on the floor. I don't really understand what's going on. I glance up and the face of my radio is gone. I call my mom to tell her that my truck was broken into..when in all actuality, my doors were unlocked so there was no breaking. As I'm telling her I see that my radio is laying on my dashboard and the floorboard is wet. She tells me I need to report it to the police. So I do...ugh. I realized as I was driving out of the parking lot that you could see the ring from my gps holder on the windshield. I figured that's probably what they were looking for. I couldn't find anything that they could have taken...if they took something it was probably a cd that I've got on my computer...no big deal.
I don't understand why people can't just mind their own business and leave everyone else's stuff alone. Geez. It probably irritated me most that they just made a mess and didn't even bother taking something.

Saturday.
I've been wanting to talk to the Colonel all weekend but when we've had breaks he's been busy marking stuff or talking to students. I haven't wanted to bother him. Well I finally got to talk to him today!! [I've known this since Thursday but..] He's one of the nicest people I've ever met in my entire life. Oh my goodness. SO nice. And he was so good with the kids. He never got angry or raised his voice. Just genuinely nice which made me like him even more! I got to talk to him about the military and stuff. I told him that he's the coolest person I'll EVER meet. Wanna know why? Well I'll tell you.
Between the military [which is the coolest thing eeeeeeeverrrr] and music [which has been my life for 16 years now] he's it. He's the epitome of everything. EVERYTHING. He's the conductor of THE PRESIDENT'S OWN MARINE BAND!!!! So I told him that and he said "Oh I'm sure you'll meet some cooler people" I insisted that this would most certainly not happen! lol. We talked some more and I asked if I could get a picture with him later when he put his uniform on for the concert. He said "of course!" I talked to him a little more after that. Man. He's so nice.
Wanna see the picture? OF course you do! :)

This picture made my life. Forever. I don't need to even be in the same wedding as the football player [this is from a previous blog...click here to read it]..I might not even need to get married...lol. I can't imagine many things being cooler than this moment. 

My wind ensemble conductor said "Oh, someone's facebook profile picture is going get to get changed!" And I said "FOREVER!!!" lol. This just means so much to me. I can't even explain it to you. Imagine the coolest person you can, like your favorite band or actor. Imagine them coming to your house and hanging out with you for 2.5 days. Now, he didn't come to my house but I hope you can imagine my excitement. I am still about to pee my pants over it and he's probably halfway back [or further] to his home by now! :)
He's just sooooo nice! He told me lots of facts about the Marine Band. Man he's so cool! I wish we could be best friends! :)

I'm now watching My Best Friend's Wedding with 2 of my best friends! :) 

Interesting weekend, right? 

Warning: Hot Steam Will Flow From This Vent.

Today sucked. If you know me, you know I don't say that word. I just don't, I hate the way it sounds. So when I say it, I mean it. It was bad. It wasn't anything compared to some of the worst things I've ever gone through but considering that the past few weeks have been awesome...it sucked royally.
I guess I should you worn you all that this is going to be sort of whiny and filled with..anger?...irritation..frustration..take your pick after reading. I'm sorry it's that way but I don't know how else to get it off my chest. Talking about it makes me cry, then I can't talk and it gets me even more frustrated. Ok.

My lesson this morning was AWFUL. I couldn't comprehend the notes on the page. It was just bad. And I can't afford to have lessons like that..especially with my hearing for my recital being 3 weeks from tomorrow. Yea..

Ok. I just want to preface this with the statement: I am not a hateful person. I love people, doing things for them, making them happy. Ok..so we've been in school now for almost 6 full weeks. SIX. Last Wednesday in one of my classes, this girl decides to sit in my seat. MY SEAT. I've sat in this seat since August [I had the 1st part of this class in the same classroom last semester, with the same teacher. He even remarked on the 1st day of class this semester that I was sitting in the same seat...]. I'm a creature of habit. When I'm thrown off my habit horse, my world is turned upside down. I can't concentrate..all I can think about is the fact that someone has messed me up. So last Wednesday, I'm pretty upset that I have to sit in a different seat. I think "this BETTER NOT happen again."
So I get to class on Friday, she sits in her seat, I sit in mine. Everyone is happy. Oh, I should also tell you that I sit in the 3rd column in the last seat in the back, she sits in the 1st column around the middle..so it's not like she just forgot where she sits..it's a good 15 ft away..she deliberately chose another seat. Also, I should add that there are PLENTY of other EMPTY seats all over the room.
Monday, I barely get into class before she does, I go to my seat, I guess I throw her off guard...idk..I mean, it is MY seat. She moves to the next row and looks at ME like I'm sitting in her seat...ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?!?
THEN TODAY. I get to class almost late because Wind Ensemble didn't let out in time..I walk into class and she's in my seat AGAIN! What kind of crap is this!?!? Like for real. I don't understand. Why would she do this!? I know she's a pretty nice person. I've talked to her in previous classes so I don't think she's trying to be vindictive...but I just can't figure out what else could possibly be going on. I mean she knows  it's my seat..I've been sitting there for A WHILE...and I'm visibly upset that she's in it..I'm sure my teacher can tell too because I can barely keep myself from staring her down the entire class time.
If you can't tell, I'm pretty ticked about this. I just don't understand. At all. I wish I did. I don't know that I can ask her politely to get up or why she's sitting there. I'm afraid I would get very irate or start crying. I cry when I'm mad. It's really frustrating.
Ok, I'm done with that. I just want to sit in my seat so I can concentrate and get a good grade. I sit there for a reason, I feel comfortable there. If she wanted to sit there from the beginning she should have thought of that then. I'd understand if it was the 2nd week of school and she's still shopping around for a seat..but the sixth week of school is a little ridiculous.

Moving on.
I'm doing a 30 Day Picture Thing on facebook. Today's was "A Picture of Your Biggest Insecurity" Mine is that I'm unimportant.
I know that to some people I am important.
Several people have come up to me today and told me that I matter to them and that I am important. I appreciate that but I just can't believe it until they prove it, ya know? Taking things like that at face value is really hard for me. I've been through a lot of junk and for someone to say they care about me and that I matter, I need them to back it up with actions.
I love doing things for people and making them happy. Relationships matter a lot to me. I would bend over backwards to help a friend, most of you know that about me. Lately, I've gotten to the point where I just don't care. I feel like I don't matter to a lot of people, that they just use me to make themselves feel good. That makes me feel like absolute crap. I'm not thinking of any one person in particular, so don't ask me if I'm talking about you..if you have to ask then I probably am. I just get so worn out from doing favors for people and when I ask them to do one small thing for me they whine about it or don't do it at all. That says to me "I don't really care for you like I say I do."  Everyone's heard that saying "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." Lately, I feel like an option. My friends have been choosing lots of things over me and it just hurts. I don't know that they're doing it on purpose or it just happens but that's the truth. Plans are only made as long as nothing else is going on. And by nothing else I mean "better people to hang out with aren't free" not "I have a lot to do, I have to go ______and do _____" work and school are different.
It just really makes me feel like crap.
I'm ready to go to the Navy, make new friends and find out which ones really want to make an effort to keep my friendship. Ya know?

I'm just tired. I've got so much going on. I can't deal with trying to make people happy on top of: studying for the Navy, studying history, writing a book review, reading the book to write the review, writing a research paper, researching so I can write the paper, practicing for aural skills, practicing for my recital, working out and sleeping. Oh and eating...it's too much. I need prayers to trust God completely with all of this. Doing all of this is not humanly possible. I need his supernatural strength to help me live, not just "get through", but live through this semester. I want to experience everything I can and not just survive through it.

I'm not consciously stressing out but I think my mind is realizing what's happening..I'm just not acknowledging it. My body knows what's up..my sleeping patterns this week have been CRAP. I've awakened everyday this week at 330 a.m. ready to start my day. Laid in bed for 20 minutes, fallen back to sleep, woken up at 530 a.m. again ready to start my day, gone back to sleep and THEN when it's actually time to get up at 630, I have to coax myself out of bed. It's ridiculous. No, I haven't changed anything in my diet or routine..I think it's probably just my body screaming at me.

Well. I'm running out of steam..I guess that means it's time for bed.
The Colonel comes tomorrow, I'm excited, even though I don't look it.

So. I'm sure everyone is on the edge of their seats to know about my test.
Well here it is.
I passed buuuut my scores weren't high enough to be considered competitive. So I have to retake it on March 22. It's sort of a bummer..but I think if I had passed with flying colors like I was hoping for, I wouldn't be able to be content where I am now. I'd be looking ahead longingly for the future and not living in the present. That would be an unfulfilling life. So yay.
Now I'm going to have to micromanage my entire life. I have LOTS of things that need to get done: book reports, practicing for my recital, papers, tests, and studying for the Navy. I might have to cut out a few extracurriculars. I'm hoping not but we'll have to see how much I get done with them in place.

Then I had lunch with a friend. That was nice. It was free lol. :)

Today the weather was absolutely GORGEOUS! My friend and I went out and threw the softball around. Man I miss it so much. I wasn't really that great..actually not at all. I wasn't good at running or hitting..sometimes good at catching and usually not good at throwing long distances. But I loved every minutes of it most days! :) I'm so glad I suggested it. It was so nice to relax and let loose!

Then I came back to school. Bertha is trying to kick the bucket and I just don't appreciate that. I love her [for those of you who don't know, she's my truck]. I need her to be healthy but no one seems to know what's wrong with her. PRAISE THE LORD my windshield wipers work though. I made a joke this morning in Sunday School that I can sit in the rain I just can't drive in the rain...:) For whatever reason, she just doesn't like to go. I can't figure it out. If I were a mechanic I probably could..but I'm not..and I really don't have the money to pay for one. So you guys can pray that she miraculously gets fixed just like my wipers did! :)

Well that's about it. This week is gonna be interesting. AH! THE MARINE BAND CONDUCTOR COMES THIS WEEK!!!!! Yay. :)
I'll be sure to tell you all about him!
Later.

Gotta Be Ready Be Ready to JUMP Down on Jump STREET!

This weekend I went home with a dear dear friend of mine. :) We had lots of fun!
We got to hang out with all her family. I  just love them! They make me feel loved back! We went over to her aunt and uncle's house, played with her cousin, went to dinner, came back to their house, played with her cousin and went back home.
Ya know, sometimes I don't feel like I've lost any weight..actually most times. And most times I don't even feel like I look like I have. I was sitting on the floor playing with her cousin and either her aunt or uncle asked how much weight I've lost. I can't remember which one. So I told them. And her uncle says "yea I can tell, your face is a lot slimmer." and I said "really? I don't feel like" and he said "yea! you've increased your hotness factor!" HAHAHAH. I'm sure I turned red. Then her aunt says "I'm sure that makes her feel good, coming from a bald 40 yr old!" And he says "Well I HAVE eyes! I'm not blind" HAHA. This did make me feel good! Although I'm not sure that I expressed that to him..the whole time I was thinking "I have a hotness factor..since when!?!? And it's been increased...? whoa." lol.
Yesterday I studied Navy [6 days!], then we watched 21 Jumpstreet [New almost favorite show!]. We went to visit one of our friends' mothers. Then to MEXICAN for supper!! Yuuuum!
Today another aunt had a baby shower. That was a lot of fun..and once again my ego was boosted lol. Her OTHER aunt lol..not the 1st or the one with the unborn baby...was telling me how good I looked. I really appreciate confidence boosters like that. They don't go to my head, I promise lol. Sometimes I act conceited but that's not me AT ALL. I still have like 10-15 more lbs to lose. And I'm trying really hard!

Like I said, my test is in 6 days. I'm prepared..I know I am. I think the devil is trying to psych me out or something. I don't have a whole lot of time to study for it this week, so pray that times open up, classes get cancelled and I use my time wisely! I'm sooooo excited! I can't even begin to tell you.

So I'm taking this new vitamin that's supposed to suppress your cravings for sugar. That's what my mom said Dr. Oz says. 1. I didn't know she watched that show. 2. I believe her. So I'm taking it and it turns my pee BRIGHT yellow. Like I'm not even kidding yellow. It's so weird! The first time it freaked me out. It's like I hadn't drank any water for DAYS but I'd had like 32 oz already that morning! WEIRD I say!

3rd times a charm. Or so I hear. hahahhahahahhaha

I keep having weird dreams. About the same person. Like REALLY weird. They could stop anytime and I wouldn't mind.

THE SUN WAS OUT TODAY. It was the most gorgeous day EVER! I hope tomorrow is similar!

Well I need to go to bed. I'm getting up earlier than usual to study. Goodnight