Day 8: A Moment
Well. This is a hard topic..I've had quite a few moments in my life, I'm not sure which one to choose.
In a moment you can:
ruin a friendship
make someone's day
tear someone down
fall in love
die
accept Jesus as your Saviour
conceive a child
make a new friend
make a decision that could change your life forever...good or bad
miss an opportunity
and the list goes on and on.
The moment I choose to tell you about is one where I finally made a good decision in regards to the person from Day 2.
A few months ago..maybe June..I have no idea, I found out that this guy now has a child.
I decided then and there that I'm done with him.
Yes, like I've said before, I still love him.
He'll always be in my heart [haha like that song from Tarzan] but I no longer have romantic feelings for him.
He has baggage that I can't deal with.
You're probably thinking "so you're not going to be with a guy because he has a kid". No. That's not it at all.
I was talking to a good friend tonight, [whom I didn't mention in Day 6 but I totally should have, I'm sorry my week has been NUTS and my head isn't screwed on straight] and she pointed out that HE walked away. HE chose that lifestyle for himself. I never once walked away from him. I never gave up on him, like he expected me to, it was all HIM.
On top of that, I don't want to deal with that child's mother for the rest of my life. I know what she's like and I like to enjoy life, I don't want the rest of it to be miserable.
That was a big deal for me.
I don't let go easily at all. If I'm your friend you're pretty much stuck with me for life. :)
I love like no one you've ever known.
Friendships are all or nothing for me.
To walk away from that..[even though there was really nothing there because he'd walked away a looong time ago]..was a huge deal for me. To say "ok. I'm done, that's the last straw, I can't take anymore. If he comes back again he'll just have to keep steppin" was something I never thought I'd do. He's had quite a few "last straws" I'm just bad at not refilling the container. :)
I think in that one moment I grew leaps and bounds.
I freed myself of a poisonous hold the devil had on my life. I severed all ties and I'm better for it.
Of course I still love him, and care for him, and pray for him, but things with him will never ever be the same again.
And finally, for the first time in my life, I'm ok with that.
29 September 2010
28 September 2010
Day 7: Your Best Friend.
Well...I don't have ONE best friend. I have several GREAT friends that I talk to about anything and everything.
I'll tell you a little about some of them. :)
This is Christina. She was my very first friend...I met her when I was 2..or 3...maybe 4 lol. We're not exactly sure. :) She married an Air Force and they're expecting their first child. I'm SOOOO excited for her!!
I don't have a picture of my next best friend. Her name was Floppsy. She was a bassett hound and I loved her so much. I can't tell you how many times she let me cry on her. I got her when I was in 1st grade and the vet killed her August 26, 2005. I was devastated. I miss her a lot.
This is Jennifer. We've been best friends since 5th grade. She's fly. She has 2 jobs and 2 little brothers! She has a car named Anabelle and a swimming pool. Her mom turned 50 this year and we threw her a surprise party..this picture was taken there. :) She's been by my side through so much I don't know what I'd do without her..no matter how crazy she drives me sometimes.
This is another Jennifer. This picture was taken at our junior prom...:) We've been best friends since 6th grade. We don't talk a whole lot anymore but I know that if I needed something I could count on her. She's getting married sometime...I'm not sure when. I met the kid once in Wal-mart. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. We used to make gummy bear parades and eat bacon in the pool. :) Aaaaah those were the days. :)
This is Sam and that's ROOT beer she's a drinkin!. I think we started being friends in 7th grade. She's going to teach elementary school. She's getting married this summer and I'm so excited for her!!! :) I really like her man! He's fun. We used to write notes to each other on our folders in band. We sat next to one another. She's been through a lot with me as well...all of my friends have been.
Well...I don't have ONE best friend. I have several GREAT friends that I talk to about anything and everything.
I'll tell you a little about some of them. :)
This is Christina. She was my very first friend...I met her when I was 2..or 3...maybe 4 lol. We're not exactly sure. :) She married an Air Force and they're expecting their first child. I'm SOOOO excited for her!!
I don't have a picture of my next best friend. Her name was Floppsy. She was a bassett hound and I loved her so much. I can't tell you how many times she let me cry on her. I got her when I was in 1st grade and the vet killed her August 26, 2005. I was devastated. I miss her a lot.
This is Jennifer. We've been best friends since 5th grade. She's fly. She has 2 jobs and 2 little brothers! She has a car named Anabelle and a swimming pool. Her mom turned 50 this year and we threw her a surprise party..this picture was taken there. :) She's been by my side through so much I don't know what I'd do without her..no matter how crazy she drives me sometimes.
This is another Jennifer. This picture was taken at our junior prom...:) We've been best friends since 6th grade. We don't talk a whole lot anymore but I know that if I needed something I could count on her. She's getting married sometime...I'm not sure when. I met the kid once in Wal-mart. He seemed like a pretty cool guy. We used to make gummy bear parades and eat bacon in the pool. :) Aaaaah those were the days. :)
27 September 2010
SERIOUSLY!?
Day 6: Your Day
Well. This is the perfect topic for today.
I woke up this morning and didn't take a shower. I'm trying this new thing where I shower at night so I can wear my hair down the next day and I won't have to have wet head for 3 hours. It was pretty nice. My body didn't wig out too much.
I start getting dressed. I'm debating on what pants I should wear. I see a pair that I tried on 2 weeks ago and think "huh. I'd really like to wear those..wonder if they fit" so I put them on and GUESS WHAT!!! They do!! :) So well! 2 weeks ago they fit but were uncomfortably tight now they're quite comfortable!
I also wore my hair down. I got lots of compliments which made me feel good.
I went to math. Blah. Then I went to History. Man. I was not motivated AT ALL to pay attention today.
I decided I wanted to take a "Jenny Craig picture" because I felt so good. So during Megan Monday I was gonna have her take one. I don't feel like it anymore.
I got on facebook to find a fairly recent picture of me..before I started losing weight and what does the first thing on my news feed say "___________ is now in a relationship" WHAT THE HECK!?!?! [this is a person I wouldn't mind dating....] He told me JUST this morning that we could hang out this weekend because I have a birthday present for him and he won't be around then. WHO DOES THAT KIND OF JUNK!??! Seriously!?
You tell one girl [whom you act like you like when you're with her] that you guys can hang out then you go and get in a relationship. UGH WHATEVER. I feel like this friendship will soon be over. I'm tired of this crap. I have so many questions I don't even know where to begin...who is she? what does she have that I don't? how long have they been almost dating? when/if were you planning on telling me!?!
WHAT THE HECK. I'm so furious right now I could cry or beat something up. Good thing I'm going to work out soon.
I may write more later depending on how the rest of my night goes.
Well. This is the perfect topic for today.
I woke up this morning and didn't take a shower. I'm trying this new thing where I shower at night so I can wear my hair down the next day and I won't have to have wet head for 3 hours. It was pretty nice. My body didn't wig out too much.
I start getting dressed. I'm debating on what pants I should wear. I see a pair that I tried on 2 weeks ago and think "huh. I'd really like to wear those..wonder if they fit" so I put them on and GUESS WHAT!!! They do!! :) So well! 2 weeks ago they fit but were uncomfortably tight now they're quite comfortable!
I also wore my hair down. I got lots of compliments which made me feel good.
I went to math. Blah. Then I went to History. Man. I was not motivated AT ALL to pay attention today.
I decided I wanted to take a "Jenny Craig picture" because I felt so good. So during Megan Monday I was gonna have her take one. I don't feel like it anymore.
I got on facebook to find a fairly recent picture of me..before I started losing weight and what does the first thing on my news feed say "___________ is now in a relationship" WHAT THE HECK!?!?! [this is a person I wouldn't mind dating....] He told me JUST this morning that we could hang out this weekend because I have a birthday present for him and he won't be around then. WHO DOES THAT KIND OF JUNK!??! Seriously!?
You tell one girl [whom you act like you like when you're with her] that you guys can hang out then you go and get in a relationship. UGH WHATEVER. I feel like this friendship will soon be over. I'm tired of this crap. I have so many questions I don't even know where to begin...who is she? what does she have that I don't? how long have they been almost dating? when/if were you planning on telling me!?!
WHAT THE HECK. I'm so furious right now I could cry or beat something up. Good thing I'm going to work out soon.
I may write more later depending on how the rest of my night goes.
26 September 2010
Your Love Keeps Liftin Me Higher. Higher and higher!
Day 5: Your Definition of Love
Well I feel like this will probably be one of the hardest blogs I'll have to write in the next 25 days because I don't know the definition of love.
I think that it's a word that's over-used more often than any other word:
I love pizza.
I love my parents.
I love the Green Bay Packers.
I love my friends.
I [romantically] love so and so.
I love rain.
I love school.
I love Mexican food.
I love the color yellow.
And the list goes on...
The problem with the previously mentioned list is that most of those things are conditional:
I love pizza..but only from this restaurant and made this way.
I love my family [this one isn't conditional in my case, sometimes liking them is though. :) jk but to some people they don't have good parents or a family that cares]
I love the Green Bay Packers [this one is also not conditional but some people might only like them when they're good and find another team off an off-year.]
I love my friends...when they're aren't causing drama.
I [romantically] love so and so..when he's not being a jerk.
I love rain...when I don't have to walk in it.
I love school...when I'm doing well.
I love Mexican food..but only if it's from this one restaurant..not from that other nasty place.
I love the color yellow...but not if it looks like baby poop or mashed up bananas and it doesn't make me look fat.
You see what I mean?
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Tells us:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Now. I can't tell you how many times when I've "loved" someone [we'll just stick to people now] that I've been impatient, mean, envious, self-seeking, score keeping, happy when something irritating happens to them if they're getting on my nerves, distrustful, and willing to give up. That's a lot of what love is NOT.
I think that we've lost sight of what love really is.
To me, ideally, love would be exactly like the Bible says.
I would be patient with him, kind to him.
I wouldn't be jealous if he talks to other girls.
[I'm not sure what I'd be boastful or prideful of]
I wouldn't be rude when I'm not getting my way.
I wouldn't try to manipulate him into getting what I want and I'd make sure his needs were met before my own.
I wouldn't remember every little thing he did wrong so I could throw it in his face the next time he made me mad.
I'd rejoice with him when good things happen and be upset with him when things don't go his way.
I'd protect our love like a mama bear protects her cubs, I'd trust him to be faithful, I'd hope for good things for him, and I'd never give up, no matter what.
I realize that no one is perfect and there's no way that I can do all of these things 100% of the time, I am human after all. But that doesn't mean I can't try my hardest.
That list not only applies to romantic love, of course but every other kind of love: familial, friendly, I can't think of a word to love God but that applies too.
Well. This post was a tad more serious than normal but I hope you understand what I said and the points I tried to make. :)
Until tomorrow. :)
Well I feel like this will probably be one of the hardest blogs I'll have to write in the next 25 days because I don't know the definition of love.
I think that it's a word that's over-used more often than any other word:
I love pizza.
I love my parents.
I love the Green Bay Packers.
I love my friends.
I [romantically] love so and so.
I love rain.
I love school.
I love Mexican food.
I love the color yellow.
And the list goes on...
The problem with the previously mentioned list is that most of those things are conditional:
I love pizza..but only from this restaurant and made this way.
I love my family [this one isn't conditional in my case, sometimes liking them is though. :) jk but to some people they don't have good parents or a family that cares]
I love the Green Bay Packers [this one is also not conditional but some people might only like them when they're good and find another team off an off-year.]
I love my friends...when they're aren't causing drama.
I [romantically] love so and so..when he's not being a jerk.
I love rain...when I don't have to walk in it.
I love school...when I'm doing well.
I love Mexican food..but only if it's from this one restaurant..not from that other nasty place.
I love the color yellow...but not if it looks like baby poop or mashed up bananas and it doesn't make me look fat.
You see what I mean?
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Tells us:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Now. I can't tell you how many times when I've "loved" someone [we'll just stick to people now] that I've been impatient, mean, envious, self-seeking, score keeping, happy when something irritating happens to them if they're getting on my nerves, distrustful, and willing to give up. That's a lot of what love is NOT.
I think that we've lost sight of what love really is.
To me, ideally, love would be exactly like the Bible says.
I would be patient with him, kind to him.
I wouldn't be jealous if he talks to other girls.
[I'm not sure what I'd be boastful or prideful of]
I wouldn't be rude when I'm not getting my way.
I wouldn't try to manipulate him into getting what I want and I'd make sure his needs were met before my own.
I wouldn't remember every little thing he did wrong so I could throw it in his face the next time he made me mad.
I'd rejoice with him when good things happen and be upset with him when things don't go his way.
I'd protect our love like a mama bear protects her cubs, I'd trust him to be faithful, I'd hope for good things for him, and I'd never give up, no matter what.
I realize that no one is perfect and there's no way that I can do all of these things 100% of the time, I am human after all. But that doesn't mean I can't try my hardest.
That list not only applies to romantic love, of course but every other kind of love: familial, friendly, I can't think of a word to love God but that applies too.
Well. This post was a tad more serious than normal but I hope you understand what I said and the points I tried to make. :)
Until tomorrow. :)
25 September 2010
Anyway You Want It That's The Way You Need It!
Day 4: What You Ate Today...
Well this blog won't be very interesting at all, I don't think but I'll tell you anyway.
For breakfast: granola
Lunch: 2 slices of pizza
Supper: a 1/2 wrap and 2 bites of salad
Snack: frozen yogurt from Culver's
The end lol...I guess I could also tell you about what I did today.
I had to be at the fine arts building to set up at 10:30...I got there and it was already set up. Can you say furious? Well I can. Ugh.
Then we had to do a recording with the choir at 11:30. Ok. Done
Rehearsal at 12:30 for a concert that was at 3..ok whatever
1:25: finish rehearsal. UUUUUGGGGH.
Eat pizza.
2:00 set to set rehearsal...because it was a "collage" concert which means different groups were playing and we had to like go back and forth..it's sort of confusing but whatever.
Finish that at like 2:30.
3:30-start playing my portion of the concert. Woohoo.
Find my family when it's over. Ps. It was a good concert.
Go to eat supper! YUUUUM. :)
GO TO THE FOOTBALL GAME WHERE WE BEAT THEM 52-16 [I think..we may have gotten another touchdown that I don't recall lol]
Then to Culver's...it was a long day, dude!
Ok. That's all. Until tomorrow...
Well this blog won't be very interesting at all, I don't think but I'll tell you anyway.
For breakfast: granola
Lunch: 2 slices of pizza
Supper: a 1/2 wrap and 2 bites of salad
Snack: frozen yogurt from Culver's
The end lol...I guess I could also tell you about what I did today.
I had to be at the fine arts building to set up at 10:30...I got there and it was already set up. Can you say furious? Well I can. Ugh.
Then we had to do a recording with the choir at 11:30. Ok. Done
Rehearsal at 12:30 for a concert that was at 3..ok whatever
1:25: finish rehearsal. UUUUUGGGGH.
Eat pizza.
2:00 set to set rehearsal...because it was a "collage" concert which means different groups were playing and we had to like go back and forth..it's sort of confusing but whatever.
Finish that at like 2:30.
3:30-start playing my portion of the concert. Woohoo.
Find my family when it's over. Ps. It was a good concert.
Go to eat supper! YUUUUM. :)
GO TO THE FOOTBALL GAME WHERE WE BEAT THEM 52-16 [I think..we may have gotten another touchdown that I don't recall lol]
Then to Culver's...it was a long day, dude!
Ok. That's all. Until tomorrow...
24 September 2010
Day 3: Your Parents.
My parents are the bomb.com.
The end. haha jk.
So let's start with my dad.
He was IN THE NAVY!!! :) He'll be 59 in March.
He was an avid bowler.
He's from Wisonsin, which means he's a Cheese Head. Of course. :) [as am I!]
He used to live on a farm, then his father sold it and bought a bowling alley-go figure, right?
He lived above the bowling alley, where he was a pin boy [yes, a real life pin boy], for a while.
He had a 298 ring at one time. For those of you who don't know, 300 is a perfect game.
His favorite Disney movie is Beauty and The Beast.
While in the Navy he was a helmsman. Do you know what that means!?!?! Well apparently I didn't until this summer!! HE DROVE THE STINKIN ENTERPRISE!!!! How cool is that!?!?!?!
He was the youngest of 10 for 10 years and then he wasn't anymore. Haha.
I'm not sure what else to say about him except..
He loves me and he supports me. And I love him!
My mom.
Well. She's a character.
She's a private music teacher and our church pianist.
She graduated from Western Illinois University.
She's very sarcastic.
She's good at crocheting and she's recently taken up chicken scratching. It's like cross stitching but not..she's pretty good at that too, I guess.
She, well it's hard to say where she is in her family because it's so crazy! haha. I'll just say that she is the middle child of her blood siblings. She has 2 step brothers and 3 step sisters.
She plays lots of instruments!
She likes our dog Gertrude...she may be the only one haha. Jk..I like her alright.
I'm not sure what else to say about her but she also loves and supports me. :) I love her too!
Both my parents are from the North. They came to the South on their honeymoon and decided to stay. :)
The End.
My parents are the bomb.com.
The end. haha jk.
So let's start with my dad.
He was IN THE NAVY!!! :) He'll be 59 in March.
He was an avid bowler.
He's from Wisonsin, which means he's a Cheese Head. Of course. :) [as am I!]
He used to live on a farm, then his father sold it and bought a bowling alley-go figure, right?
He lived above the bowling alley, where he was a pin boy [yes, a real life pin boy], for a while.
He had a 298 ring at one time. For those of you who don't know, 300 is a perfect game.
His favorite Disney movie is Beauty and The Beast.
While in the Navy he was a helmsman. Do you know what that means!?!?! Well apparently I didn't until this summer!! HE DROVE THE STINKIN ENTERPRISE!!!! How cool is that!?!?!?!
He was the youngest of 10 for 10 years and then he wasn't anymore. Haha.
I'm not sure what else to say about him except..
He loves me and he supports me. And I love him!
My mom.
Well. She's a character.
She's a private music teacher and our church pianist.
She graduated from Western Illinois University.
She's very sarcastic.
She's good at crocheting and she's recently taken up chicken scratching. It's like cross stitching but not..she's pretty good at that too, I guess.
She, well it's hard to say where she is in her family because it's so crazy! haha. I'll just say that she is the middle child of her blood siblings. She has 2 step brothers and 3 step sisters.
She plays lots of instruments!
She likes our dog Gertrude...she may be the only one haha. Jk..I like her alright.
I'm not sure what else to say about her but she also loves and supports me. :) I love her too!
Both my parents are from the North. They came to the South on their honeymoon and decided to stay. :)
The End.
23 September 2010
Every Time I Try to Leave Something Keeps Pulling Me Back Tellin Me I Need You In My Life
Day 2: Your First Love.
Well. This topic came up pretty quick. I have to admit..I'm not exactly sure how to answer this. I don't know that I've actually been in love before. At one point I thought that's what it was but I just don't know.
I know that I care deeply for someone. I'd do anything for him..that's what I would have said a year and a half ago anyway. I've been burned so many times by this person that if he asked me for a stick of gum I'm not sure I'd give it to him. But I still love him. I've tried and tried and TRIED to hate him...trust me, I have. I just can't do it. All of my friend and family wonder why because they've been through the emotional roller coaster with me every time... It's just not in my character to hate anyone. I've tried it on other people too, doesn't work.
This person. Hm. I was about to tell you that he made me fall in love with him. Is that really true? Did I "fall in love" with him? Ugh this is so hard. Ok. I'll tell you what I do know instead of debating whether I know that or not.
I know that:
I want him to come to know Jesus like I do.
I want his life to be so amazing that he can hardly stand it.
I want him to make good decisions.
I want him to always tell the truth.
I want him to trust people.
I want him to find true love. Not lust. Love.
I want him to serve the Lord all the days of his life.
I want him to be a good father. [Yes, mother he now has a child]
I want him to know that I really do love him and that I pray for him everyday.
I want him to know that I never hated him. Not even for a second, ask Jennifer. It's the truth. I tried so hard.
I want him to know that no matter what he's done Jesus loves him so much.
I want him to be able to treat a woman the way she should be treated.
I want him to realize that everyone is not out to get him.
I want him to know that I never judged him by the way he dressed or the way he acted, that I liked him for who he was when he was with me.
I think that's all I know. I'm sure there's more but it's probably redundant.
I haven't talked to him in 1 year, 8 months and 8 days. No, I don't know that off the top of my head, I just counted it up. Yes, I do know the exact date of the last time I talked to him though. I don't know why but I remember stuff like that.
13 days before the last time I talked to him I got my first kiss..from him of course..but you'll have to wait until Day 16 to hear about that.
I can tell you what happened between us.
It's February 17 2006. [I remember that because it was one of my best friend's birthday party days.]
I'm sitting on the bus waiting for us to take off from the school to go home just minding my own business. This guy gets on looking for the friend he normally sits with. WAIT. A few days earlier we had a stare down in the hallway. It was funny..that day on the bus he asked me my name. Ok. Back to the 17th. So I'm sitting in my seat and he can't find his friend so he asks to sit with me. Sure why not. We're talking about who knows what and all the sudden he says "I don't say this to many people very often.." and I thought "oh boy what on earth is he gonna say?" and he continued "but you're very beautiful.." yea he said it. Out loud. [Ps. I'm a junior in high school and to this day I'm still not sure how old he was] so I stutter through something like "well..I don't hear that very often" [before then I'd only heard it once]. Well he had me right then and there. I was hooked lol. He replied "well, you need to start hearing it everyday" this kid was gooood. Geez. haha. So from then on we sat on the bus together and talked on the phone, he eventually started coming to church with me, writing me love notes, giving me things. We were never really in a relationship, mind you, because he wasn't a Christian but we sure did go through the motions. [I take the fall for that. You'll hear about it again on Day 19.
Well this bliss lasted until around May 1st. Such a long lived "relationship", right? April 29 I went to prom with a good friend, my best friend was dating his best friend so it was just convenient [apparently he liked me and asked me on a date but I have no memory of this..anyway]. So this guy that I'm "in love" with isn't too fond of this whole setup, he's not like UPSET or anything, just nervous that I'll start liking Aaron, the guy I went to prom with. I assured him that he had my heart and I wasn't going anywhere.
The next day, April 30th was Loyalty Day at church. It's where you bring your lunch and eat after church. Well he came with us. I'll never forget what I ate that day. He made me try pickled okra! YUCK! And he got a bunch of green stuff that he thought was turnip greens and ended up being spinach. That was FUNNY. Anyway, I was sort of crabby that day because I got in late and had to get up early. He thought I was mad at him the whole day. I wasn't at all. I was just really tired.
The next day he calls and says he can't talk to me anymore because "it's not in his best interest" ARE YOU SERIOUS!? That's exactly what people had been telling me. He also said that I had been mad at him the previous day for no reason blah blah blah Ugh. I was so upset. It was baaaaad. I cried for days. It didn't help the fact that my parents put a restriction on our phone talking and he wasn't very happy about that..of course I wasn't either. But since we were "just friends" we only got 5 minutes. Five minutes mom, I mean you could have at least given me 15. :)
I honestly don't remember a lot of what happened the rest of that year. I kind of zombied through school.
He wasn't there so that made life a little easier. I don't exactly know where he was. Oh wait, yes I do. He was in alternative school. But I have absolutely no idea why. I don't think...maybe if I try really hard to remember I will but I don't feel like it.
So I thought that was over...you probably did too. NOT.
My freshman year in college he requests me to be his friend on myspace [stupid myspace] and we start talking again. He tells me how much he misses me, of course I believe him because he's the only guy that's ever given me attention [well actually there were 2 others at that point but they don't count. Maybe I'll tell you about them sometime]. So we start talking on the phone every night. I see that it says he's in a relationship with so and so..so I ask him about it and he says that they broke up. So I go to her page to check her out...nope she sure does think they're still in a relationship. So I ask him about it again. Nope they're broken up. I know he's lied to me before so I ask her. OH BOY does that stir up some drama! Apparently they are still together and this isn't the first time he's done this to her. I thought "what are you thinking!? if he's trying to get with other girls break up with him idiot" while I'm thinking that I should also be thinking "JENN YOU'RE BEING AN IDIOT! HE'S GONNA DO THE SAME THING TO YOU!!!" but of course I'm not. :) Well. She confronts him about it and he stops talking to me. I wasn't too heartbroken, that I recall, that time. I thought it was sort of humorous.
Here's where it gets better.
My junior year of college we found each other [November 12, 2008 I believe] on myspace again...[I eventually delete that stupid social networking site lol] I honestly don't remember how. I remember sending him a long message basically telling him I didn't hate him and I never did and I got one in return saying how well he and his girlfriend were doing and blah blah blah. First I must say that I had absolutely NO intention of breaking them up at all. None whatsoever. I had no feelings for him [or so I thought] at this point in time. Ok. So we talk a lot and text. We meet up and BAM it's like we're back in high school...ugh. December 27 he breaks up with his girlfriend so he can be with me. Again, let me reiterate that I did NOT have any intention of that happening. She does not accept this at all. Oh boy...oh boy. That was DRAMATIC. She threatened Jennifer and I and all this other crap if we didn't stay away from "her man" whatever. I think she lives in an episode of Jerry Springer or something. I'm skipping over the first kiss part so I don't ruin Day 16 for you. :) Skipping right on to January 5. He's supposed to meet me in Murfreesboro for my sister's concert. Guess who never shows. Guess who also never showed up for work and wouldn't take any of my calls. Yep. Him.
So his mom messages me a few days later and tells me how much she misses me and all this junk. This woman is messed up. I feel bad for her so I talk to her back. I find out that he's run away and is living with some girl named Kara and he's doing a bunch of drugs....grrrreat. So she asks me to call this girl's house. January 15 I call him and he tells me to never call him at this number ever again. So I don't. Of course I believed that this time was going to be different..ladies..it's NEVER going to be different, not until they start serving the Lord. I am torn up. I'm sure you can ask my roommate, she might remember but maybe not. After aaaall of that. We were still never really in a relationship.
So yea. There ya go. My "first love". Like I said, I still love him and I pray that the Lord softens his heart and draws him close everyday. I no longer have feelings for him and I don't think I ever will again. He has a child with the girl that lives in a Jerry Springer show and even if he did change and start serving the Lord, I don't think I'd want to be with him for the simple fact that I'd have baby mama drama the rest of my life.
If you feel inclined to pray for him, go right ahead, I'd appreciate it very much. He'll always be in my heart. :)
Thanks for reading my forever long story.
I'll write again tomorrow. :)
Well. This topic came up pretty quick. I have to admit..I'm not exactly sure how to answer this. I don't know that I've actually been in love before. At one point I thought that's what it was but I just don't know.
I know that I care deeply for someone. I'd do anything for him..that's what I would have said a year and a half ago anyway. I've been burned so many times by this person that if he asked me for a stick of gum I'm not sure I'd give it to him. But I still love him. I've tried and tried and TRIED to hate him...trust me, I have. I just can't do it. All of my friend and family wonder why because they've been through the emotional roller coaster with me every time... It's just not in my character to hate anyone. I've tried it on other people too, doesn't work.
This person. Hm. I was about to tell you that he made me fall in love with him. Is that really true? Did I "fall in love" with him? Ugh this is so hard. Ok. I'll tell you what I do know instead of debating whether I know that or not.
I know that:
I want him to come to know Jesus like I do.
I want his life to be so amazing that he can hardly stand it.
I want him to make good decisions.
I want him to always tell the truth.
I want him to trust people.
I want him to find true love. Not lust. Love.
I want him to serve the Lord all the days of his life.
I want him to be a good father. [Yes, mother he now has a child]
I want him to know that I really do love him and that I pray for him everyday.
I want him to know that I never hated him. Not even for a second, ask Jennifer. It's the truth. I tried so hard.
I want him to know that no matter what he's done Jesus loves him so much.
I want him to be able to treat a woman the way she should be treated.
I want him to realize that everyone is not out to get him.
I want him to know that I never judged him by the way he dressed or the way he acted, that I liked him for who he was when he was with me.
I think that's all I know. I'm sure there's more but it's probably redundant.
I haven't talked to him in 1 year, 8 months and 8 days. No, I don't know that off the top of my head, I just counted it up. Yes, I do know the exact date of the last time I talked to him though. I don't know why but I remember stuff like that.
13 days before the last time I talked to him I got my first kiss..from him of course..but you'll have to wait until Day 16 to hear about that.
I can tell you what happened between us.
It's February 17 2006. [I remember that because it was one of my best friend's birthday party days.]
I'm sitting on the bus waiting for us to take off from the school to go home just minding my own business. This guy gets on looking for the friend he normally sits with. WAIT. A few days earlier we had a stare down in the hallway. It was funny..that day on the bus he asked me my name. Ok. Back to the 17th. So I'm sitting in my seat and he can't find his friend so he asks to sit with me. Sure why not. We're talking about who knows what and all the sudden he says "I don't say this to many people very often.." and I thought "oh boy what on earth is he gonna say?" and he continued "but you're very beautiful.." yea he said it. Out loud. [Ps. I'm a junior in high school and to this day I'm still not sure how old he was] so I stutter through something like "well..I don't hear that very often" [before then I'd only heard it once]. Well he had me right then and there. I was hooked lol. He replied "well, you need to start hearing it everyday" this kid was gooood. Geez. haha. So from then on we sat on the bus together and talked on the phone, he eventually started coming to church with me, writing me love notes, giving me things. We were never really in a relationship, mind you, because he wasn't a Christian but we sure did go through the motions. [I take the fall for that. You'll hear about it again on Day 19.
Well this bliss lasted until around May 1st. Such a long lived "relationship", right? April 29 I went to prom with a good friend, my best friend was dating his best friend so it was just convenient [apparently he liked me and asked me on a date but I have no memory of this..anyway]. So this guy that I'm "in love" with isn't too fond of this whole setup, he's not like UPSET or anything, just nervous that I'll start liking Aaron, the guy I went to prom with. I assured him that he had my heart and I wasn't going anywhere.
The next day, April 30th was Loyalty Day at church. It's where you bring your lunch and eat after church. Well he came with us. I'll never forget what I ate that day. He made me try pickled okra! YUCK! And he got a bunch of green stuff that he thought was turnip greens and ended up being spinach. That was FUNNY. Anyway, I was sort of crabby that day because I got in late and had to get up early. He thought I was mad at him the whole day. I wasn't at all. I was just really tired.
The next day he calls and says he can't talk to me anymore because "it's not in his best interest" ARE YOU SERIOUS!? That's exactly what people had been telling me. He also said that I had been mad at him the previous day for no reason blah blah blah Ugh. I was so upset. It was baaaaad. I cried for days. It didn't help the fact that my parents put a restriction on our phone talking and he wasn't very happy about that..of course I wasn't either. But since we were "just friends" we only got 5 minutes. Five minutes mom, I mean you could have at least given me 15. :)
I honestly don't remember a lot of what happened the rest of that year. I kind of zombied through school.
He wasn't there so that made life a little easier. I don't exactly know where he was. Oh wait, yes I do. He was in alternative school. But I have absolutely no idea why. I don't think...maybe if I try really hard to remember I will but I don't feel like it.
So I thought that was over...you probably did too. NOT.
My freshman year in college he requests me to be his friend on myspace [stupid myspace] and we start talking again. He tells me how much he misses me, of course I believe him because he's the only guy that's ever given me attention [well actually there were 2 others at that point but they don't count. Maybe I'll tell you about them sometime]. So we start talking on the phone every night. I see that it says he's in a relationship with so and so..so I ask him about it and he says that they broke up. So I go to her page to check her out...nope she sure does think they're still in a relationship. So I ask him about it again. Nope they're broken up. I know he's lied to me before so I ask her. OH BOY does that stir up some drama! Apparently they are still together and this isn't the first time he's done this to her. I thought "what are you thinking!? if he's trying to get with other girls break up with him idiot" while I'm thinking that I should also be thinking "JENN YOU'RE BEING AN IDIOT! HE'S GONNA DO THE SAME THING TO YOU!!!" but of course I'm not. :) Well. She confronts him about it and he stops talking to me. I wasn't too heartbroken, that I recall, that time. I thought it was sort of humorous.
Here's where it gets better.
My junior year of college we found each other [November 12, 2008 I believe] on myspace again...[I eventually delete that stupid social networking site lol] I honestly don't remember how. I remember sending him a long message basically telling him I didn't hate him and I never did and I got one in return saying how well he and his girlfriend were doing and blah blah blah. First I must say that I had absolutely NO intention of breaking them up at all. None whatsoever. I had no feelings for him [or so I thought] at this point in time. Ok. So we talk a lot and text. We meet up and BAM it's like we're back in high school...ugh. December 27 he breaks up with his girlfriend so he can be with me. Again, let me reiterate that I did NOT have any intention of that happening. She does not accept this at all. Oh boy...oh boy. That was DRAMATIC. She threatened Jennifer and I and all this other crap if we didn't stay away from "her man" whatever. I think she lives in an episode of Jerry Springer or something. I'm skipping over the first kiss part so I don't ruin Day 16 for you. :) Skipping right on to January 5. He's supposed to meet me in Murfreesboro for my sister's concert. Guess who never shows. Guess who also never showed up for work and wouldn't take any of my calls. Yep. Him.
So his mom messages me a few days later and tells me how much she misses me and all this junk. This woman is messed up. I feel bad for her so I talk to her back. I find out that he's run away and is living with some girl named Kara and he's doing a bunch of drugs....grrrreat. So she asks me to call this girl's house. January 15 I call him and he tells me to never call him at this number ever again. So I don't. Of course I believed that this time was going to be different..ladies..it's NEVER going to be different, not until they start serving the Lord. I am torn up. I'm sure you can ask my roommate, she might remember but maybe not. After aaaall of that. We were still never really in a relationship.
So yea. There ya go. My "first love". Like I said, I still love him and I pray that the Lord softens his heart and draws him close everyday. I no longer have feelings for him and I don't think I ever will again. He has a child with the girl that lives in a Jerry Springer show and even if he did change and start serving the Lord, I don't think I'd want to be with him for the simple fact that I'd have baby mama drama the rest of my life.
If you feel inclined to pray for him, go right ahead, I'd appreciate it very much. He'll always be in my heart. :)
Thanks for reading my forever long story.
I'll write again tomorrow. :)
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