I Sho Iz Hungray.

I feel like this blog will ramble. Just a heads up. :)




Everybody has different talents. Not everyone can do the same things. I certainly can't do gymnastics, no matter how hard I try but some people can. I can't fly a plane [YET!!!] but some people can. I can't make myself invisble, unfortunately. And I don't personally know anyone who can...
I think there's one thing I'm REALLY good at though: laughing
I'm good at laughing at myself, at other people, at my own jokes, at other people's jokes. And the general consensus seems to be that I'm good at making other people laugh. I honestly don't try most of the time..I think that my filter doesn't always catch everything so what I'm thinking just shoots right out of my mouth..sometimes that ends badly. 


Laughter is good for the soul. I think someone that can't laugh at themselves is just a sad person. You know the type, takes themselves [is that a word and am I using it in the right tense..?] too seriously, rarely cracks a smile. I don't understand those people. Life's too short not to laugh.
Sometimes I laugh at "inappropriate" times..apparently when you mess up in wind ensemble you shouldn't laugh...according to the trombone players. Whatev. They ain't my mommy. 
Sometimes I laugh during prayer. That's not always wise either...
My former best friend and I used to laugh during special music at church..I know that was an inappropriate time but sometimes we just couldn't help it.
Most of my day consists of laughter. I love it. I just love it. I love being around people who will let me into their world. Who will let me catch a glimpse of what they're like when they "let their hair loose." It's like they trust me with a small part of them that no one else knows about.
I love it.
It takes a special kind of person to make me laugh. I'm not saying I'm a Serious Sandy but I can tell when people are genuinely funny or they're just putting on a show. People that put on a show just bug the guts out of me and I won't stand for it. I usually look at them like they're irritating...because they usually are.
I'm not saying I don't like you if you're not funny. lol. I like plenty of non-funny people. I feel like I share a bond with someone when they make me laugh. 
Yea.


One of my fears is that I'll lose my sense of humor, my wit and personality when I join the Navy. I don't want to become some hard-nosed robot officer. I want to be funny. I want people to like me for my personality. Am I making sense? Hello? Is anyone there?
I just don't want to be the typical Navy woman...I'm not sure what that is but I imagine her in my mind and I just don't think I'd like to be around her. I want to be exactly who I am now just with better leadership qualities [which is something else I was going to talk about], a pilot's license and an officer position. Is that acceptable?


Leadership.
I was just thinking about this in the bathroom...again..where I do all my great thinking...
Some people are natural leaders. That's just the way it is. Those people get on my nerves sometimes. They feel like they need to push everyone in a direction that everyone may not want to go. They take initiative and make followers look bad [shame on you!] they want everyone to think like they do, and they usually crave attention.
Obviously, I'm being quite general here...not ALL natural born leaders are like this.


Then there are followers.
These kind of people also get on my nerves. They look lazy, mostly because they aren't taking initiative. They're indecisive. [I know I can be indecisive too sometimes but not about things that count, usually]. They go with the flow and let people boss them around.
Again, I'm being general.


THEN you have the leadowers. [I just made that word up. :)]
I would put myself in this group. I have leadership potential that I can bust out at any moment..but only when I feel like it. I can be pushy when I know my way is the right way but I'll also let someone tell me they're way is the right way [this is a different situation than the one where my way is right] and let them lead me. I like these sorts of people the best. They're the most pleasant usually. 


That was a pointless conversation I just wrote at you...maybe it got your wheels spinning. What kind of person are you?


I love my roommate. I can't express to you how much. She leaves the room to wash her face because her facewash smells like bananas [yea..weird I know] and she knows I don't like bananas. Who else on this planet do you know that would do that...? I don't know many. 
Today we were walking to prayer via the dining hall. Right outside there were armies running past. One of them waved at me [I know him, unfortunately he's married though. BOOOO but they're cute so I don't mind] and I knew several others. So I told her that. And she said "You're so cool...you know ARMIES" haha. I love that. 
She gets me. she doesn't talk a whole lot [I talk enough for the both of us] but I like to think I get her too. I'm so thankful that the Lord blessed me with her. She's been amazing and I wouldn't trade the past 2.5 years for anything in the world! :)


It's about time for me to hit the hay. Fortunately that statement is only figurative..I'll really be plopping on a mattress that's nice and cushy and far from pokey. I wish I could ramble on and on about my life and let you in on everything I'm thinking but my brain is shutting down and crying for me to stop thinking. 
Gooooodnight, all. :)

I Don't Wanna Be a Chicken.

I have stinky feet. I think it's an inherited gene. They've always been like that. My shoes don't stink..unless they're dress shoes. Those stink the worst. But I've worn my cowboy boots a lot of days in a row and they don't stink. But my feet do...weird.


I got this massive cut on my hand tonight and I'm not sure how. When I say massive I mean about 1/2 an inch long but fairly deep and shaped like an "L". It hurts and I wish I knew where I got it so I could never do that again.


You know when you smell something familiar but you just can't place it? That happened to me tonight. I walked into the bathroom and smelled something that I hadn't smelled in a long time. I'm not sure if it was someone's soap [or lack thereof], shampoo or conditioner but it was familiar and I want to know why.


Tonight, while I was smelling in the bathroom, I was also thinking. It's where I do my best work. It's amazing how much someone can change just in the course of a year. Well..a year and a half I guess...anyway. I made a friend the summer of 09. At the time, this friend did not get drunk, cuss or ignore me. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe a series of unfortunate events jaded and scarred this person. Now this person gets drunk in broad daylight, drops the f-bomb on facebook and doesn't even act like my friend. We used to talk all day everyday. Then one day we didn't..and now this person doesn't acknowledge my existence most of the time. It breaks my heart, not as much as it used to. It used to really bother me. I felt like I did something wrong, or I wasn't good enough. But that's not it at all. This person just changed. I wish they hadn't. But I guess that's just the way life goes.


Tonight, I was waiting [sort of] patiently to go get into a closet to put some stuff away. There was already a girl and a guy in there and a guy standing outside [blocking the doorway] talking to them. So I expressed my need to enter. Talky McTalkster got a [fake] tude with me, I walked past him and entered the small room. The boy that was already in there said something about why didn't I just hand it to him and he could have put it in there. And I said "because I'm an independent woman" and put my hands on my hips to emphasize my point. And he says "Yes you are" and something about repenting and then the girl says "right...when she gets out of the military" I didn't take offense to any of this. I know they were both joking but some people are serious about women being independent. Well when a man finally comes around who wants me to depend on him and who will be dependable, then I'll be a dependent woman. But until then I don't have much choice other than to be independent. If I need help, I ask for it, I'm not prideful. I didn't need help. I just needed Talky McTalkster to move so I could get in. Not a big deal. What are your thoughts on this matter?


I'm telling you what, I'm going to love my military history class. Aside from the fact that there's like 7 armies in there, my teacher is HILARIOUS! Today he reenacted the American Revolution for us! He first got on his desk to demonstrate the advantage the American soldiers had over the British [they were on top of the hill] then he pretended to be a British soldier who'd been shot and was dying. This involved him rolling around on the ground!! This cat is a big, dude..not HUGE but tall and Santa Clause-like..I think I mentioned that before..that he looks like Santa. Well he does. It was the funniest thing I've seen all month!! He's going to be a riot! Also, today the armies were speaking army. I have NO idea what they were talking about but it was definitely entertaining to watch. They were arguing about something to do with platoons and squadrons and none of them knew what was going on. Quite humorous if you ask me. I know, you didn't ask me but it's my blog! :)


ALSO today. Wait, did you know there really is a Riot Act? I mean I figured there was, but I didn't realize people thought there wasn't. 


ALSO today [take 2] I set the date for my senior recital!!!! I'm soooooo excited!! Expect to see pictures of me, my dress, my oboe, my friends..ya know, the norm around April 4. The recital will take place on April 2. If you want to come, let me know and I'll give you info. :)


I think that's about it for today!!
Hope you enjoyed it!

My Breath Smells Funny.

This is a need to know blog.

Well.

Sort of.

ALL you really NEED to know is this:

THE PACKERS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buuuuut I'll give you a few more morsels of excitement to savor. :)

1. Today I set up a time to take the Navy test! WAAAAAHOOOOOO!!!
Let me just tell you that just the fact I get to take it is proof that I 1. have an amazing officer recruiter and 2. [and most importantly] God is all up in my kool-aid.
I called [we'll call him Captain Crunch] Captain Crunch today. I've actually never met him, I've talked to him on the phone a couple of times. He has a funny voice though! Anyway. So I call him to ask if I can use a calculator [I can't] and to see if there's a specific time when I need to take the test, like day. I ask him if I'm allowed to take it on the weekend. He asks what the earliest I can get there would be is and I tell him I have class all day and 530 would be the absolute earliest. He asks where I'm coming from. I tell him. And he says "Well, most people wouldn't do this but I understand your dilemma so I'll come in on a Saturday so you can take it" I am MOST overjoyed at this, I didn't let him know that though...I don't think anyway. Then he asks what Saturday I was thinking, I told him February 12, he said he couldn't do it that weekend, but he could do it the next. So I told him that was fine and thanked him for making an exception.
If that's not God, I don't know what is. He could have been a complete jerk and said that I had to skip class to make it on time or I couldn't take it. But he didn't.
This just reaffirms my complete belief and peace in the fact that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

2. I'm pretty sure that the postal service has it out to get me or something...
About a month ago I received a Christmas card..or what was supposed to be a Christmas card in the mail from a friend...all that arrived was the front of the envelope and the flap. The back of the envelope and its contents are lost somewhere...I have no idea where. What I received arrived in a plastic baggy with a note from the post office apologizing for the inconvenience...ERG.
Today I received a card from my mom. Not only was the envelope ripped and glued back together, my card was ripped too! What is this junk!?!? Geez. I don't think I've ever mistreated any postal carrier. Why are they targeting me!?

3.Well I don't really have anything else to say..I just feel like 2 morsels of excitement isn't really enough.
I did get to see my friend Rebecca THREE times today! This is quite abnormal.
OH! I've fallen in love with a new movie: Baby Mama. I'd seen it before this weekend but I never really appreciated it. BEST. MOVIE. EVER. It's got the greatest one-liners. Haha. My friends and I quote it ALL day. :) It's the bomb. Check it out. Fa real.

4. I remembered one more. One of my friends is getting married in June and she's asked me to help her get together songs for the reception. BEST. JOB. EVER. Seriously, it's been so fun!! I should be a DJ or something. hahahah...

5. Well. That's all I've got. Tomorrow is smoothie night! I'm super duper excited!! :)

Thththth That's All Folks!

Blog Blog Bloggity Blog

My week. Well first let's start with an update and get that out of the way. If you haven't read the 2 blogs previous to this one, do it now or the beginning of this one won't make any sense.


Beau hasn't called. I think it's because of 1 of the following reasons:


1. He never got the paper, someone else--like the girl from the front--picked it up.
2. He threw it away.
3. He has a girlfriend.
4. He didn't want my number to begin with, he was just friendly...just like I told my mother and Jennifer.
5. He's playing that "don't be too eager and wait a few days before you call" game. If that's the case..GAME OVER. It's been 3 days. I think that's plenty of time.


Jennifer is probably thinking "so what if 1-4 happened..you'll never see him again." To me that doesn't matter. If 4 was the case I'm gonna be the butt of a joke for a long time..whether I know it or not. 
To me, it feels like rejection whether it was or not, or even if he didn't get it. I don't know for sure what's going on, I probably never will but that's what it feels like to me.
So for me "put yourself out there"=rejection. Every time. That's the way it works in this house.
So I'll stick to keeping myself in here.


Ok..moving on. 


Monday
My windshield wipers broke.
I left my rainboots at home.
It rained on my way back to school.
Great.


Tuesday
Textbook fiasco
Tried to study for the Navy
My Grandpa had a heart attack. [he's fine now but it was scary, and in some ways is still scary]
Fire Drill right as I was getting to sleep.


Wednesday
Failed at getting my recital stuff dealt with
Auditioned-this was the most dramatic audition ever. People were being completely selfish and idiotic. Luckily, everyone got what they deserved in the end.


Yes, all of that is bad stuff. That's all I could focus on. It just kept coming and coming and coming.
Today was grand. Nothing especially good happened..but not one bad thing occurred which made a world of difference. 
God is good all the time. No matter what. 
I love my family. I especially love getting encouraging emails from my dad..and my sister actually. Mom, where were you!?! lol jk. I talked to you on the phone so it's all good.
I'm thankful to have good friends.
Even if they make me crazy sometimes, I know they love me. 


Well, I'm afraid I'm not very interesting tonight. I need something big and exciting to happen so I can tell you all about it! I'll be spending 3 hours in the library tomorrow so something is bound to happen! :)


Until next time..:)

UPDATE.

Warning: If you haven't read the blog previous to this, you should because this one will make more sense if you do!




Soooo Jennifer and I went to Olive Garden today. 
We walked in, she did the talking.
She asked the woman if we could sit in Beau's section. 
The woman agreed to let us, the girl standing next to her looked at us funny.


He came after a few minutes and took our order.
He didn't have any look of recognition in his eyes...bummer.
He came back after a little while with breadsticks and salad.
Still nothing.
He asked if we had any special plans this week and we pretty much said no.
Then he said "have I served you ladies before?" and I said "I was here on Thursday" and he said "oh ok! I've worked everyday since then all day"
Then he left. We think the girl from the front told him we asked for him.


I had my "Pearl Drums" shirt on.
He asked me about it and asked if I was a musician and I told him I was.
And he said "That's right! you're a music major, you play the oboe and..you're joining the Navy!" and I said "yea!! good job"
Then he talked to Jennifer for a little while. She said something about us having the same name.
He said "what was your name? I'm sorry I don't remember"
Of course, I'd just put a mouthful of food in my mouth...I chewed and swallowed and said "you never found out or you would have commented on my mom's name" and he said "what's your mom's name?" and I told him her name. And he said "OH YEA I saw that on the card hahahaha"
We ate.


The whole time Jennifer is saying how she's gonna give him my number. 
He didn't really seem all that interested today so I tried to get her not to.
He came back to take our dessert order. 
We gave it to him.
He brought it to us. Along with more water.


Then he brings our check, lays a handful of mints on the table, leaves and comes back with another handful. Totaling 17.
We eat the rest of our dessert. 
I divide the mints.
We have an odd number...the only polite thing to do is to give it back.
So I did. I said "you gave us an odd number so you can have that one" 
He said "oh thank you! I've been wanting to eat one of these! I'm gonna eat it right now"
Then he asks if I need change.
If I say no then he won't come back. 
If I say yes, he will.
MUAHAHAHA. :)
I said yes and he looked sort of sad.
He brought the change back while Jennifer was in the "bathroom" [really she was getting a pen from the people in the front because she couldn't find one.] 
He said "Is there anything else you would like today?" or something like that..and I wanted to say "yea...you're number" buuuut I didn't. :) 
I'm not that type of person.
Jennifer says "you have to put yourself out there" I don't like putting myself out anywhere!


She comes back, he comes running up, throws the mint on the table and says "I WANT YOU TO HAVE AN ODD NUMBER" and runs away. 
We were like uuuuhhh...
So we put it with his tip..
I got up because I had to use the bathroom. So I walked away.
But not without first seeing Jennifer put a piece of paper in the tip pocket...


UGH. I just don't know how I feel about this...I don't like putting myself out there. I know I know I'll probably never see him again..and even if I did he wouldn't remember me. 


We'll see if he calls I guess....


I was supposed to pick up a friend from the airport tonight to take her back to school. But flights are being crazy.
I was kind of irritated that I had to wait until tonight and couldn't go back yesterday but I like to help friends in need.
So I said yes. 
If I hadn't said yes I wouldn't have experienced everything I did yesterday and today.
God is interesting. Very interesting...
I'll keep you all updated on this aspect of my life. :)

If You're Too School For Cool

My half week has been just downright incredible! I'll tell you all about it! :)

Wednesday: One of my friends whom I haven't seen in a loooooooooooong time came to church with me! She had fun. I just love her!


THEN Thursday! Dun dun DUUUUUUUUN! [that's the excited kind, not the doomed kind lol]
[Jason, if you're reading this you could probably skip to the next day, this is gonna be gushy girl stuff, although probably entertaining lol. Jason is my Sunday School teacher, he may or may not read this blog, he discovered it a few weeks ago, idk if he's a faithful follower or not.]
Ok Thursday. Momma and I went to the mall to get some stuff I needed for my recital dress. It was a shocking experience. Then to another place for another reason that I don't remember
THEN we went to Olive Garden.
At Olive Garden, we had a waiter. Typical, right?
Well. He just happened to be extremely good looking.
Side note: I just let my dogs outside [2 girls, one boy] and I need you all to know that they ALL lift their legs up to pee. Ok..on with the story.
Well. We learned his whole life story. I'm not sure he'd appreciate me sharing it with the entire world, if you want to know you can ask me in person or contact him via Olive Garden and I'm sure he'd be happy to tell you. :)
I will tell you a really cool part. HE CAN PLAY THE HARMONICA AND THE MANDOLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! among other less cool instruments
His mom played the oboe, like me, and his family is full of militaries, like mine.
Oook moving on. So he thinks momma and I are finished and ready to leave. He is mistaken. He bring us 3 mints each to take with us. But we want dessert. Momma makes me choose. I don't know what to choose. So he assists me. How nice of him. I choose the "badboy of all desserts" It truly was amazing. It was lots and lots of chocolate!
Then we're done for real this time. He brings, along with our new check, an entire handful of mints and places them in front of me. I look at them like "wow. that's a lot of mints" While I'm processing what just happened, momma says [I didn't hear her say this, she told me later. If I had been listening I would have been mortified!] "gee would you like her number?" according to her he looked at her, grinned, and giggled. I'm not sure exactly what I was doing at this point..but I was not paying attention to them.
Then we started talking about when I go back to school and he said something like "well if I don't see you before you go back..." and I'm thinking "what!? why on earth would I see you again, I don't have money for this place! you crazy!" and he says "ya know what..." and walks over to a box on the wall.
Guess what he returns with.
Ok, I'll tell you. ANOTHER handful of mints. Yes. I tell no lies. And he says "take these to the Navy with you!" and I was like "HAHA ok."
I left there with TWENTY FIVE MINTS. TWENTY FIVE!!! Oh My Lanta.
So he takes my plate and walks away.
In the meantime, mother grabs the pen and tries to find an empty place on the receipt to write down my PHONE NUMBER! I said "mom stop. Mom. Stop. MOM STOP" I got pretty loud. And took the pen.
Had I known what had transpired earlier I may have been more willing to let her do this...but I had no idea. I just feel awkward giving my number to someone who doesn't ask for it..I mean how do either of us know he wasn't just being nice? And what's he gonna say when he calls "uuuhhh you gave me your number"? LAME. Plus! What if someone else had gotten it and then some weirdo called me. No. Thank. You.
We went to the bathroom and we left.
No, he wasn't black, for the record.
THEN that afternoon I got to see one of my best friends from high school that I haven't seen for real real, like besides bumping into her at walmart, since probably when we went to college! :( I watched her eat mexican food bc I was still full from Olive Garden.
THEN I had dinner with the friend who came to church with me. We had such a great time! I miss her a lot and I'm sooooo glad we got to catch up! Her brother is going to Afghanistan, he's a marine, pray for him and her family please.

Friday [that's today..wow this post is gonna be kind of long...]
I went to the local army base for a job interview this morning. Little did I know, you have to have a visitor's pass to get on base. To get a visitor's pass you have to have registration, insurance and driver's license. Well guess who couldn't find their new insurance cards..yep..so it took longer and I was 15 minutes late but the woman understood! I didn't technically get the job, she's going to use me as a backup housekeeper and babysitter. I'm pretty excited because it's good money. You can pray that I get another way to make money this semester..I've got A LOT to save up for. Whoa I just did something strange and I thought I lost my post and I almost started crying. For real.
Ok anyway. So I half got the job. 
THEN I went to Kroger to put in my prescription THEN I had lunch with one of my BEST friends! I love her and I'm so glad I got to see her again before I went back to school!!! We had a great time! 
THEN I picked up my prescription I went to Ms. April's house. She's making my recital dress, I had to try on this replica she made..well is it a replica if the first one hasn't been made yet..anyway..it fit so onward we go.
Then I went to Food Lion and saw the mother of the girl who came to my church and ate dinner with me. I love that ENTIRE family! There's not one of them I wouldn't want to hang out with! Pray for her, she hurt her back and she's taking her son's deployment pretty hard. Since she hurt her back, she had to give up her babysitting job, so pray that she finds something else she can do!
Then I went home, then to the bank, then home again.
My best friend has this really good knack for calling me while I'm taking a nap. Twice this week she's done so. But it's alright I forgive her.
THEN we ate Taco Bell for supper. Seriously, I think we've had Taco Bell more this break than I had my entire high school career. I'm not even kidding about that at all.
Then mom and I watched It Could Happen To You. GREAT movie! :)

NOW I'm writing this blog and I'll tell you what's going down the rest of the weekend!

SATURDAY!
I'm going with Jennifer to her little brother's basketball games. THEN we're going to our friend's house with our other friend and having a SLEEPOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooo stoked! So So so so!!!!!

SUNDAY!
First church.
THEN my best friend since I was 2 is having a baby shower and I'm sooooooooo excited! I haven't seen her in a really long time because she moved to Wyoming! :( So I'm pretty stoked about that.
Then I'm hanging out with Jennifer! Oh yea, mom, I forgot to tell you, I'm hanging out with Jennifer. :)

THEN MONDAY!!!!!!!!!
I should probably pack....
THEN Jennifer and I are going back to Olive Garden. :) :) :) hahahahahahhahaha
I'm pretty excited! I'll keep you posted on what's going down...we don't even know if he'll be working or not..so it could just be us having fun!
Then I go back to school Monday night..fun fun fun...lol

Thaaaaanks for reading. :) I hope you enjoyed my half week as much as I did!! :) Laater!

I Can't Believe It's Been 2 Years

It's January 2, 2011.
I should be trying to sleep, it's 11:45 pm for goodness sakes.
I was tired 2 hours ago when I left my Ali's house..I'm not anymore. Ugh.
And of course while I'm NOT sleeping, I'm thinking.
Thinking entirely TOO much..
Mostly about the night in [the first 1/2 of] this: I'm Thirsty blog.
Yes, it's quite unfortunate that I have the memory of an elephant.
I don't want to throw a pity party and I'm not exactly sure what I want to say about...I feel a ramblin' coming on though..
Sometimes I play the "what if" game.
It's really not that fun at all...but it passes time I guess.
I don't ever get very far..
I just can't imagine that relationship working out for very long..for reasons that are very obvious.
I don't think he'd ever be happy with me..I wish you could understand what I'm trying to say here.
It's complicated looking in from the outside.
I wish you could get inside my head and feel the compassion I have for him.
I wish that you were there through the whole ordeal..from February 17, 2006 to January 15, 2009.
You'd probably hate him.
Most of my friends do. Even the ones that don't know him.
But you'd see how happy I was "with" him.
Except the times he was an idiot...
I know Jesus provides happiness even better than that. But I haven't been able to capture it yet.
I feel like most days it's an uphill battle that I'm just too tired to fight.
Some days I want to throw the towel in and just take the easy way out.
Which way that would be, I have no idea...
I know that pressing forward is the best thing I can do for myself.
"The people in your past didn't make it to your future for a reason"[or something like that]..I know I know..
But sometimes it's just easier to think "what if"
What if she hadn't been in the picture?
What if...well honestly..that's the only "what if" question I've got..
I can't get past that one because I think no I know, that's what ultimately changed everything.
The answers to that "what if":

He wouldn't have a kid right now

I probably wouldn't be joining the Navy

My walk with the Lord would have suffered more..or maybe not.

He may have gotten to know Jesus by now [I would sure hope so anyway]

OH here's a good one: I wouldn't have the idiot friend I have now who won't ask anyone for any kind of help and just doesn't understand the definition of communication.

I'd probably be the best kisser on the planet ;) [just sayin..I mean, it's probably true!]

That's all I can think of..I think it's probably enough.

I know Jesus is the ultimate source of joy. I know I know I know. But I don't feel. I'm just being honest. I don't feel joyful most of the time..

He needs to be 1st in my life. I honestly don't know what I'm putting before him. I can't figure it out..but there must be something...

You can pray about that. I wouldn't mind. 

(Prayers will also be appreciated for the amount of Navy stuff I have to study for this test I have to take before April..it's gonna be rough and I'm going to need divine intervention.)

I can't explain my "now" feelings for the boy. 

I don't want to be in a relationship with him...at all.

But I want him to think of me.

I often wonder if he does...I've talked to a friend about it and we both agree that you don't just forget something like that.

I don't care who you are, unless you've had some kind of memory accident, you don't can't block that out.

I wonder what reminds him of me.

I think about the people he encounters everyday, if they love the Lord, if they're showing him the same kind of love that Jesus shows them.

I hope that he remembers me fondly.

If you asked me one bad thing he ever did, I wouldn't be able to tell you.

People say to just think about the bad times and you'll "hate" [I'd never ever hate him] him and want to forget him. [ok, so I've never actually heard anyone say that but I'm sure someone has, I know I've thought it.]

I do want to forget him, not because he was awful to me. But because I don't want to compare any guy I meet to him. 

In my mind, he was perfect. 

I know he's not, no one is. Not just because no one is but I just know he's not.

If you had asked me in March '06 though, I would have gushed about him.

He was everything I wanted but nothing I needed. I would not have told you that, of course. Because honestly, I couldn't see that.

The Devil has a funny way of making you see only what you want to see. Or what He wants you to see.

I saw a boy who called me beautiful then pursued me with every fiber of his being.

I saw a boy who could make me laugh like nobody's business and would never ever make me cry on purpose.

I saw a boy who would fight for me, protect me and be there for me.

I saw a boy who would do anything for me, just to see me smile.

I saw a boy who fell in love with me.

I'm not sure what everyone else saw. 

I'm not them. And they didn't tell me.

I now see that same boy, but with...I can't think of anything good enough to go here. What I'm thinking is deep but I can't make it transfer to this page. 

He can hurt me. He has. 

He can't love me, take care of me or provide for me the way I need him to.

He's still very much a part of my life. Not physically, of course.

I can't tell you all the things that remind me of him. I can't even name one right now. But you can bet there's not a day I don't walk through this house, across campus or drive downtown that something doesn't make me think of him.

Whether it's a physical memory I made with him, a song that reminds me of him or a plan that we made together.

There's always something. It's like that Lonestar song "Not A Day Goes By" 

view lyrics here (mostly just the chorus and not the verses)

And every time I remember, I pray for him.

2 Peter 3:9 tells me that my Jesus wants no man to perish, He wants everyone to know Him as Savior and Lord. 

My prayer+God's will for man=Eternal life for him.

I can't tell you how many times I've talked myself out of calling him, texting him or facebook friending him. [I know this probably unnerves a few of you, but it's the truth]

I know that none of this would do either of us any good.

It would just cause a lot of drama that neither of us need.

On top of drama, I smell heartache cooking.

And to be quite frank, I'm not in a place in my life where I have time to deal with either of those. 

Ultimately:

I want him to be happy joyous in Christ.

I want him to think of me and smile.

I want to love [not romantically] him from a distance like I have been doing.

I want him to have all the blessings the Lord can pour on him.

And I want him to know that I did love him [yes romantically] and that I always will, only in a different form.

2 Peter 3:9-The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (NIV)

I love you all for reading my ramblings. Even if some of you are forced via email. :)