I Can't Believe It's Been 2 Years

It's January 2, 2011.
I should be trying to sleep, it's 11:45 pm for goodness sakes.
I was tired 2 hours ago when I left my Ali's house..I'm not anymore. Ugh.
And of course while I'm NOT sleeping, I'm thinking.
Thinking entirely TOO much..
Mostly about the night in [the first 1/2 of] this: I'm Thirsty blog.
Yes, it's quite unfortunate that I have the memory of an elephant.
I don't want to throw a pity party and I'm not exactly sure what I want to say about...I feel a ramblin' coming on though..
Sometimes I play the "what if" game.
It's really not that fun at all...but it passes time I guess.
I don't ever get very far..
I just can't imagine that relationship working out for very long..for reasons that are very obvious.
I don't think he'd ever be happy with me..I wish you could understand what I'm trying to say here.
It's complicated looking in from the outside.
I wish you could get inside my head and feel the compassion I have for him.
I wish that you were there through the whole ordeal..from February 17, 2006 to January 15, 2009.
You'd probably hate him.
Most of my friends do. Even the ones that don't know him.
But you'd see how happy I was "with" him.
Except the times he was an idiot...
I know Jesus provides happiness even better than that. But I haven't been able to capture it yet.
I feel like most days it's an uphill battle that I'm just too tired to fight.
Some days I want to throw the towel in and just take the easy way out.
Which way that would be, I have no idea...
I know that pressing forward is the best thing I can do for myself.
"The people in your past didn't make it to your future for a reason"[or something like that]..I know I know..
But sometimes it's just easier to think "what if"
What if she hadn't been in the picture?
What if...well honestly..that's the only "what if" question I've got..
I can't get past that one because I think no I know, that's what ultimately changed everything.
The answers to that "what if":

He wouldn't have a kid right now

I probably wouldn't be joining the Navy

My walk with the Lord would have suffered more..or maybe not.

He may have gotten to know Jesus by now [I would sure hope so anyway]

OH here's a good one: I wouldn't have the idiot friend I have now who won't ask anyone for any kind of help and just doesn't understand the definition of communication.

I'd probably be the best kisser on the planet ;) [just sayin..I mean, it's probably true!]

That's all I can think of..I think it's probably enough.

I know Jesus is the ultimate source of joy. I know I know I know. But I don't feel. I'm just being honest. I don't feel joyful most of the time..

He needs to be 1st in my life. I honestly don't know what I'm putting before him. I can't figure it out..but there must be something...

You can pray about that. I wouldn't mind. 

(Prayers will also be appreciated for the amount of Navy stuff I have to study for this test I have to take before April..it's gonna be rough and I'm going to need divine intervention.)

I can't explain my "now" feelings for the boy. 

I don't want to be in a relationship with him...at all.

But I want him to think of me.

I often wonder if he does...I've talked to a friend about it and we both agree that you don't just forget something like that.

I don't care who you are, unless you've had some kind of memory accident, you don't can't block that out.

I wonder what reminds him of me.

I think about the people he encounters everyday, if they love the Lord, if they're showing him the same kind of love that Jesus shows them.

I hope that he remembers me fondly.

If you asked me one bad thing he ever did, I wouldn't be able to tell you.

People say to just think about the bad times and you'll "hate" [I'd never ever hate him] him and want to forget him. [ok, so I've never actually heard anyone say that but I'm sure someone has, I know I've thought it.]

I do want to forget him, not because he was awful to me. But because I don't want to compare any guy I meet to him. 

In my mind, he was perfect. 

I know he's not, no one is. Not just because no one is but I just know he's not.

If you had asked me in March '06 though, I would have gushed about him.

He was everything I wanted but nothing I needed. I would not have told you that, of course. Because honestly, I couldn't see that.

The Devil has a funny way of making you see only what you want to see. Or what He wants you to see.

I saw a boy who called me beautiful then pursued me with every fiber of his being.

I saw a boy who could make me laugh like nobody's business and would never ever make me cry on purpose.

I saw a boy who would fight for me, protect me and be there for me.

I saw a boy who would do anything for me, just to see me smile.

I saw a boy who fell in love with me.

I'm not sure what everyone else saw. 

I'm not them. And they didn't tell me.

I now see that same boy, but with...I can't think of anything good enough to go here. What I'm thinking is deep but I can't make it transfer to this page. 

He can hurt me. He has. 

He can't love me, take care of me or provide for me the way I need him to.

He's still very much a part of my life. Not physically, of course.

I can't tell you all the things that remind me of him. I can't even name one right now. But you can bet there's not a day I don't walk through this house, across campus or drive downtown that something doesn't make me think of him.

Whether it's a physical memory I made with him, a song that reminds me of him or a plan that we made together.

There's always something. It's like that Lonestar song "Not A Day Goes By" 

view lyrics here (mostly just the chorus and not the verses)

And every time I remember, I pray for him.

2 Peter 3:9 tells me that my Jesus wants no man to perish, He wants everyone to know Him as Savior and Lord. 

My prayer+God's will for man=Eternal life for him.

I can't tell you how many times I've talked myself out of calling him, texting him or facebook friending him. [I know this probably unnerves a few of you, but it's the truth]

I know that none of this would do either of us any good.

It would just cause a lot of drama that neither of us need.

On top of drama, I smell heartache cooking.

And to be quite frank, I'm not in a place in my life where I have time to deal with either of those. 

Ultimately:

I want him to be happy joyous in Christ.

I want him to think of me and smile.

I want to love [not romantically] him from a distance like I have been doing.

I want him to have all the blessings the Lord can pour on him.

And I want him to know that I did love him [yes romantically] and that I always will, only in a different form.

2 Peter 3:9-The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (NIV)

I love you all for reading my ramblings. Even if some of you are forced via email. :)